Managing Mother-In-Law: Key To A Happy Marriage?

In-law relationships can be complex and loaded with expectations and cultural nuances. Mothers-in-law are often portrayed as overbearing and interfering, but this need not be the case. In-law relationships can be a wonderful part of married life, providing support, security, and encouragement when times are tough. However, when they are bad, they can be toxic and destructive. The key to successful in-law dynamics is communication, patience, setting healthy boundaries, and a mutual willingness to understand and respect each other's perspectives and traditions.

Pick your battles

Living with your mother-in-law can be challenging, and it's important to remember to pick your battles. Here are some strategies to help you navigate this tricky relationship and maintain a harmonious living situation:

Understand Her Insecurities

Mothers-in-law often struggle with the transition when their sons get married. They may feel insecure about their changing role in the family and their son's new devotion to his spouse. This can lead to unpredictable behaviour, with your mother-in-law acting friendly one day and upset the next. Try to understand that this behaviour may stem from feelings of insecurity and ambivalence towards you as the new bride.

Show You're Not a Threat

It's important to demonstrate that you're not a threat to the relationship between your mother-in-law and her son. Encourage your husband to maintain his close bond with his mother, such as by continuing special rituals or traditions they share. This will show your mother-in-law that you respect and support their relationship, which can help strengthen your own marriage as well.

Build Trust Over Time

Don't expect to magically develop a deep bond with your mother-in-law overnight. Trust and mutual understanding take time to build. Let your relationship grow organically, and remember that both you and your mother-in-law are likely making adjustments to include each other in your lives.

Give Her Credit

When your mother-in-law does something thoughtful or special, be sure to express your appreciation. Compliment her and show that you value her efforts. This positive reinforcement will make her feel seen, cared for, and appreciated, and it will likely lead to a more harmonious relationship.

Acknowledge Her Role in Raising Your Spouse

When your mother-in-law offers unsolicited advice or makes know-it-all comments about raising your children, try to respond with grace. Remember that she played a crucial role in raising your spouse, and acknowledge her efforts. You can say something like, "I really appreciate all you did to raise my spouse, but on this one, I prefer to do it my way."

Respect Boundaries

As your husband's mother, she may struggle with the role transition and want to continue her active parenting. Respect the boundaries that come with her son's marriage, and don't put him in the middle of your disputes. Avoid expecting him to take sides, as this can create further tension.

Remember, it's normal to have disagreements and butt heads from time to time. By picking your battles and implementing these strategies, you can work towards a more positive and respectful relationship with your mother-in-law.

Understand your mother-in-law's insecurity

The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is a new connection that is not meant to replace the mother/daughter bond. When a son marries, his mother has to figure out how to create a new relationship with him. Studies show that mothers-in-law want to continue in their active parenting, but are often faced with a role transition. This can lead to unpredictable behaviour, which can be explained by 'approach-avoidance' conflict. This conflict can cause feelings of insecurity in the mother-in-law, which can manifest as aggression, manipulation, passive-aggression, controlling behaviour, and blatant narcissism.

Insecurity is often driven by the feeling of losing your ground. This can mean that the insecure person feels they are being replaced and that no one will listen to them or admire them anymore. In the context of a mother-in-law, this can mean that she feels she is losing her son to his wife. This can be exacerbated by the perception that the daughter-in-law is more beautiful, talented, or intelligent than she is.

To deal with an insecure mother-in-law, it is important to understand her insecurity and side-step it. Show her that you are not a threat to her relationship with her son. For example, encourage your husband to continue spending time with his mother. Communicate openly and authentically with your husband so that you do not feel like an outsider. Over time, this can build trust and strengthen your marriage. It is also important to give your mother-in-law credit where it is due. Express appreciation for the things she does for you, and compliment her when she does something thoughtful or witty. When people feel seen, cared for, and appreciated, they are less likely to stay hostile.

Show you are not a threat

The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is a new connection that is not meant to replace the mother/daughter bond. It can be a tricky dynamic, with mothers-in-law often portrayed as overbearing and interfering, and this can convince daughters-in-law to keep them at bay. However, there are ways to show that you are not a threat to your mother-in-law and foster a better relationship.

Firstly, it is important to understand that your mother-in-law's behaviour may not be a reflection of you. She may be dealing with her own personal issues, resulting in toxic or hateful behaviour. It is possible that she feels threatened by your presence in her child's life and is struggling with the role transition. Try to view her with empathy and maturity, and remember that she is a confused and complex adult.

Secondly, you can devise gestures that clearly communicate you are not a threat to the relationship between your mother-in-law and your spouse. For example, encourage your spouse to continue spending quality time with their mother, such as a weekly ritual or outing. This demonstrates that you are secure in your relationship and not threatened by their bond.

Thirdly, let your bond with your mother-in-law grow organically over time. Trust is earned gradually, and it is unrealistic to expect instant closeness. Be patient and focus on small acts of goodwill, such as expressing sincere appreciation for her efforts or thoughtful gestures. This positive reinforcement will likely lead to a more harmonious relationship.

Additionally, it is crucial to set healthy boundaries and stick up for yourself kindly and firmly. Communicate your needs and comfort levels regarding her involvement in your life, relationship, and parenting decisions. For example, if she wants to visit multiple times a week but you prefer less frequent visits, suggest scheduling a weekly dinner at your house.

Finally, if your mother-in-law behaves antagonistically, the best response is often to disengage while maintaining your self-respect. Avoid retaliation, and instead, focus on your spouse and modelling maturity for any children involved.

Remember, improving your relationship with your mother-in-law takes time and effort. Be open-minded, empathetic, and willing to make adjustments. By showing you are not a threat, you can foster a more positive dynamic and, ultimately, strengthen your marriage.

Avoid topics like politics and religion

In-law relationships can be stressful, but they don't have to be. While it's important to work on your relationship with your spouse's parents, it's also crucial to set boundaries when necessary.

One way to maintain a respectful relationship with your mother-in-law is to avoid controversial topics such as politics and religion. These subjects often lead to heated discussions and can cause conflict. Instead, focus on finding common ground and building a connection. Ask her about her life, interests, and opinions on other topics. Show genuine interest, ask questions, seek her advice, and offer compliments.

If you disagree with your mother-in-law's political or religious views, it's best to avoid these topics altogether. However, if they come up, remain respectful and try to see things from her perspective. Discuss any disagreements calmly and avoid openly criticising her.

Remember, it's okay to have different opinions, and you don't have to agree on everything. Focus on maintaining a healthy relationship with your spouse as the top priority. This may mean compromising and respecting your mother-in-law's priorities while staying true to your values.

Additionally, be mindful of your boundaries and communicate them clearly. For example, if your mother-in-law expects your full attention during work hours, politely explain your boundaries and suggest setting a specific time to talk each week.

By avoiding controversial topics, focusing on common ground, and setting clear boundaries, you can navigate your relationship with your mother-in-law while keeping politics and religion out of the conversation.

Respect boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries with your mother-in-law is critical if you want to run your own life and prioritise your relationship with your spouse. It's easy for things to start drifting, and before you know it, your mother-in-law becomes the third wheel in your marriage.

Boundaries are the limits you are willing to let others reach in any relationship with you. For example, you might set a boundary regarding what your mother-in-law needs to do to come over. Some couples might allow their in-laws to come over unannounced, while others might prefer a few days' warning.

Understand your mother-in-law's insecurity and side-step it

Mothers-in-law are often ambivalent towards their children's spouses. One day, she may act friendly and supportive, and the next day, she may be upset and complaining over something trivial. Such unpredictable behaviour can be explained by 'approach-avoidance' conflict, which is a simultaneous desire for closeness and fear of rejection. Understanding this can help you navigate the relationship and set boundaries that work for both of you.

Show that you are not a threat

Devise gestures that clearly communicate that you are not a hindrance to the relationship between your mother-in-law and your spouse. For example, encourage your spouse to continue spending quality time with their mother, whether it's a Saturday morning outing or a weekly phone call. This will strengthen your marriage and show your mother-in-law that you are not threatened by their closeness.

Communicate your boundaries clearly

Boundaries allow everyone's values to be honoured and help protect your mental and emotional well-being. It's essential to communicate your boundaries clearly to your spouse and then to your mother-in-law. Choose your boundaries and phrase them in a way that makes them easy to express. For example, instead of saying, "I want them to tell me they want to come," say, "I would like them to tell me two days in advance that they plan to come over."

Stick to your boundaries

This is the hardest part, but it's crucial to maintaining healthy boundaries. There must be consequences when a boundary is breached. For example, if you've discussed with your mother-in-law that she must give you two days' notice before coming over, and she doesn't, then go through your day as planned. Remember, you can only control your actions, not those of your mother-in-law.

Review and adjust your boundaries as needed

Check if your boundaries are working after some time has passed, and make any necessary adjustments. For example, you might realise that you only need one day's notice instead of two. Boundaries should be flexible and adapted to suit the needs of everyone involved, including your spouse, children, and in-laws.

Build a relationship based on respect and compassion

While it's essential to set boundaries, it's also important to approach the relationship with respect and compassion. Understand that your mother-in-law is likely dealing with a role transition, especially if she has a son. She may struggle to give up being the emotional centre of the family. Show that you respect her beliefs and values, and give her credit where it's due. Compliment her when she does something thoughtful or special for you. This positive reinforcement will likely lead to more harmonious interactions.

Remember, it takes time to build a healthy relationship with your mother-in-law, and it's normal to encounter challenges along the way. By setting clear boundaries and approaching the relationship with empathy and respect, you can navigate these challenges and hopefully develop a mutually respectful connection.

Frequently asked questions