Cameron Miranda
Mother-in-law relationships can be tricky to navigate, and sometimes the question of cutting off contact arises. While it may be tempting to cut off all communication, it's important to remember that your mother-in-law is also a “mother bear” with strong feelings about her grandchildren. It's recommended to limit time spent with a difficult mother-in-law and set firm boundaries while remaining polite and graceful. However, if the situation is more complex, such as dealing with a narcissistic and emotionally manipulative mother-in-law, the decision to cut her off may be more challenging, and it's essential to consider the impact on your spouse and their relationship with their mother.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Controlling | Wants to have a say in everything that goes on in her two grown kids' lives |
| Emotionally Manipulative | Expects her extreme emotions to be addressed and assuaged |
| Demanding | --- |
| Narcissistic | --- |
| Obsessed with Grandkids | --- |
| Drug and Alcohol Dependencies | Moderate |
| Abrasive | --- |
| Domineering | --- |
| Loves her Grandkids | --- |
| Fun with Grandkids | --- |
| Overbearing | --- |
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What You'll Learn
Conflict between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law
The relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law has long been associated with tensions and power struggles. This dynamic conflict is often referred to as "The War of Queenhood". While the relationship is complex, the primary reason for conflict is the clash of traditional roles and the resulting power struggle. A mother-in-law may be used to being the dominant female figure in the family, making decisions and managing household matters. However, when a daughter-in-law enters the picture, she brings a new perspective and a desire to assert her position, potentially leading to misunderstandings and tension as both women strive to maintain their influence.
Cultural disparities can further fuel the conflict. Traditions, customs, and societal expectations from their respective backgrounds may shape their roles and behaviour differently, leading to conflicts of values and a struggle for influence within the family dynamic. For example, a mother-in-law may have certain expectations about how her son and daughter-in-law should behave, which may clash with the daughter-in-law's perspective and desires.
To improve the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship, both parties must communicate openly and respect each other's perspectives. Clear communication about expectations and respecting each other's space is key to reducing conflicts. By finding common ground, establishing clear boundaries, and recognizing each other's contributions, it is possible to transform the conflict into a partnership where both women can coexist and thrive. Additionally, it is important to give each other the benefit of the doubt and choose charitable thoughts over negative ones.
Mothers-in-law should let their sons detach from them and form their own relationships with their wives. They should also respect their children's choices and boundaries, ask before visiting, and honour the rules and requests of their daughters-in-law, especially when it comes to their grandchildren. Daughters-in-law, on the other hand, should understand that their mothers-in-law love their husbands with a full heart and be patient as their husbands detach from their mothers.
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Controlling behaviour
A mother-in-law with controlling behaviour can be a challenging presence in your life, impacting your well-being and family dynamics. Such a person may exhibit signs of being overly critical, demanding, self-righteous, and disrespectful, often interfering in their child's marriage or parenting decisions. They may also try to push their child's partner "out of the way" to dominate their life. Dealing with a controlling mother-in-law can be a daunting task, but understanding and addressing these issues is a vital step towards finding healthier ways to cope.
To deal with a controlling mother-in-law, it is essential to set healthy boundaries and communicate your concerns clearly. Let her know your boundaries are in place to benefit everyone, including her. For instance, explain how scheduled visits allow you to dedicate more quality time to her. It is also important to understand that your mother-in-law is human and may have her own issues. This can help you empathise with her and handle her controlling nature more effectively.
Additionally, couples should agree on their boundaries regarding their in-laws before marriage. When addressing a controlling mother-in-law, the couple should approach her together to show unity and firmly state their right to decide what is best for their family. While it may be challenging, maintaining your self-worth, a strong relationship with your partner, and patience can help you overcome the frustration caused by a controlling mother-in-law.
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Emotional manipulation
The primary target of a toxic mother-in-law is typically their son or daughter-in-law, but everyone in the family can suffer. Emotional manipulators often try to exert control over their victims by instilling fear or isolation, which can slowly erode a person's self-esteem. They may also use guilt or obligation to meet their needs. For example, they may cry to their son if their daughter-in-law doesn't wear the clothes they've given her, leading to accusations of ingratitude.
It's important to set boundaries and continue to communicate thoughtfully and honestly, without getting sucked into their game. This may take practice and support. Recognise that your mother-in-law's behaviour is likely a result of her own past experiences. It's also important to ensure that your spouse is aware of recurring issues and that you present a united front.
Some mothers-in-law may also try to dominate other relationships or behave rigidly as a way of managing their feelings of being out of control in their relationship with their daughter-in-law. This can cause additional strain on a marriage.
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Competition for resources and affection
While there is no straightforward way to "block" your mother-in-law, managing a relationship with her can be challenging. In-law relationships are often fraught with tension and conflict, and the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law dynamic is particularly notorious for its complexities. This tension can be attributed to various factors, including competition for resources and affection.
Historically, in patrilineal societies, daughters-in-law would move in with their husband's family after marriage, becoming junior members of the household. The mother-in-law, as the senior woman, held decision-making authority over her daughter-in-law, creating an environment ripe for conflict. This dynamic has evolved in modern times, but the underlying tensions remain.
The competition for resources can manifest in various ways. For example, grandmothers often provide childcare, which can lead to conflict with daughters-in-law over child-rearing preferences. A Finnish study found that the more grandchild care a paternal grandmother provides, the more likely there is to be conflict with the daughter-in-law. This conflict arises from generational differences in areas such as politeness, diet, discipline, entertainment choices, bedtimes, hygiene, and safety.
The arrival of children can intensify the competition for resources and affection. Daughters-in-law may feel that their mothers-in-law are overly intrusive and controlling, while mothers-in-law may feel that their daughters-in-law are excluding them or not giving them enough emotional support. This dynamic can lead to a cycle of jealousy and competition, with both parties vying for influence over the man/child.
Managing this complex relationship requires leaving jealousy and competition aside and focusing on the feelings and needs of all involved. It's important to remember that you are not in competition with your mother-in-law, and you can set boundaries and limit her influence. Nurturing the relationship, understanding her motivations, and intentionally including and valuing her can help improve the dynamic.
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How to set boundaries
Setting boundaries with your mother-in-law is critical if you want to run your own life and prioritise your relationship with your spouse. It is important to remember that relationship toxicity isn't black and white, and even a great mother-in-law can demonstrate toxicity in certain situations.
Firstly, it is crucial to recognise that you are not in competition with your mother-in-law. While it is important to present a strong unit with your spouse, do not let them use you as a scapegoat. Remind your spouse's family that your partner is an adult who makes their own decisions.
Secondly, communicate your needs and the needs of your relationship. It is perfectly acceptable to ask your partner to take the lead in communicating with their mother, especially if you do not have a healthy relationship with your mother-in-law. Collaborate with your spouse and your mother-in-law to set boundaries, rather than imposing rules on her. Listen to each other's needs and problem-solve together.
Thirdly, remember that it is your job to set the rules for your children, not your mother-in-law's. Make it clear that demanding favours will not be considered, and that you expect her to respect your decisions.
Finally, be aware that your mother-in-law's desire to help may be self-serving. While it is natural for her to want to feel involved, it is not her role to interfere in your family's decisions. For example, it is out of line for her to invite people onto your property or give unsolicited advice about your baby's needs.
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Frequently asked questions
It is natural to feel territorial when it comes to your children and family, and it is okay to want to limit your interactions with your mother-in-law. You can choose to politely but firmly set boundaries with your mother-in-law and limit the time you spend with her.
While it may be tempting to completely cut off your mother-in-law, especially if she has been physically abusive towards your spouse, it is important to remember that your spouse is the one who has the primary relationship with her. It is best to have an open conversation with your spouse about your concerns and decide together on an appropriate course of action.
Conflict between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is quite common, and it is okay to want to take a step back from the relationship. You can choose to politely distance yourself and limit your interactions with your mother-in-law without completely blocking her.
