Kara Sears
Marrying one's ex-brother-in-law is a complex issue that can be approached from various perspectives, including cultural, religious, and personal. From a cultural standpoint, levirate marriage, where a man marries his brother's widow, is a longstanding tradition in several societies, particularly in the context of continuing the family line and ensuring the well-being of any children from the previous marriage. Religious interpretations, such as those based on Biblical passages, may influence an individual's decision-making process, with some passages seemingly condemning such unions while others presenting exceptions. Personal factors, such as emotional connections, the impact on children, and relational dynamics, also play a crucial role in contemplating such a marriage.
Can I marry my ex-brother-in-law?
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Legality | Legal in most places |
| Religious views | Varies, with some Christian denominations forbidding it |
| Social views | Varies, with some cultures practicing it |
| Potential issues | Awkwardness with family, jealousy from ex-spouse, impact on children |
| Cultural examples | Levirate marriage, Goula tribe in Central African Republic, Mambila in Cameroon, Maragoli in Kenya, Kirghiz, Korean kingdom of Goguryeo |
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What You'll Learn
Is it legal to marry your ex-husband's brother?
Marrying your ex-husband's brother is not illegal. However, it is important to consider the emotional and relational implications of such a decision. For instance, your ex-husband may feel jealous, and your children may be impacted by the complex family dynamics.
From a spiritual perspective, the Bible offers conflicting messages. Leviticus states that a man who marries his brother's wife will be childless as a divine punishment, and that this is a severe defilement and a disgrace to his brother. However, Deuteronomy presents an exception to this rule, stating that if a man dies childless, his brother is permitted and even encouraged to marry the widow to continue his family line.
In some cultures, the practice of a man marrying his brother's widow, known as levirate marriage, is common. This occurs in certain parts of Africa, such as western Kenya, northern Cameroon, and the Kyrgyz people, as well as in historical contexts like ancient Korea and the Hebrew Bible.
Ultimately, the decision to marry your ex-husband's brother involves weighing the potential relational and emotional challenges against your own personal feelings and beliefs.
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What does religion say about marrying your ex-husband's brother?
Marrying your ex-husband's brother is not explicitly forbidden in the Bible, but some Christians may be concerned about what Leviticus 18 says about the rules of relationships. It mentions a brother having a relationship with his brother's wife, but it is unclear if this applies to an ex-wife. Some Christians may also be concerned about the spiritual implications of such a union, as well as the impact it could have on the children, the ex-husband, and the relationship between siblings.
From a non-religious perspective, the potential awkwardness of the situation should be considered, especially if the ex-husband and his brother have a close relationship.
In other religions, the concept of levirate marriage, in which a man is obliged to marry his brother's widow, is practiced. This custom is observed in some parts of Africa, such as Kenya, Cameroon, and Nigeria, as well as in ancient Israelite culture and among the Northeastern Caucasus Huns. It is also mentioned in the Bible, specifically in Genesis 38 and Deuteronomy 25:5-10. However, it has fallen out of favor in modern Judaism.
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What are the relational implications of marrying your ex-brother-in-law?
Marrying your ex-brother-in-law can have a variety of relational implications, and it is essential to consider these carefully before making any decisions. Firstly, it is important to acknowledge the potential impact on your children, if you have any from your previous marriage. The decision to marry your ex-brother-in-law may lead to complex emotions and dynamics within the family, especially if your children are old enough to understand the situation. They may experience confusion, jealousy, or resentment towards the new relationship, and it is crucial to prioritize their emotional well-being throughout this process.
Another key consideration is the relationship with your ex-spouse, who was previously your brother-in-law's sibling. This decision may evoke feelings of jealousy, betrayal, or sibling rivalry between your ex-spouse and your potential new partner. It is important to anticipate and prepare for potential strain on your relationship with your ex-spouse, especially if co-parenting or shared custody arrangements are involved. Additionally, your extended family, such as parents-in-law or nieces and nephews, may also be affected by this decision, and their reactions and emotions should be taken into account.
Furthermore, marrying your ex-brother-in-law can introduce complexities within your partner's immediate family, particularly their relationship with their siblings. It is not uncommon for siblings to experience rivalry, jealousy, or tension when it comes to matters of the heart, and your partner's siblings may have strong opinions or feelings about this union. This can impact family gatherings, holidays, and the overall family dynamics on your partner's side. It is worth noting that your partner's parents may also have their own set of emotions and reactions to this decision, which could influence family relationships.
On a broader level, societal and cultural perceptions may come into play, depending on your cultural background and the norms within your community. In some cultures, marrying your ex-brother-in-law may be frowned upon or considered taboo, leading to potential social consequences or judgment from others. However, in other cultures, there are practices such as levirate marriage, where a woman marries her deceased husband's brother, which is done to protect and provide for the widow and her children. Understanding the cultural context and potential societal implications is crucial in navigating this decision.
Lastly, it is important to consider your own emotions and the dynamics of your relationship with your ex-brother-in-law. While there may be a strong attraction and connection, it is crucial to examine the potential challenges and complexities that could arise. These may include working through past histories, navigating new family roles, and managing the expectations and adjustments that come with any new relationship, especially one with such unique circumstances. Seeking relationship counselling or therapy can be beneficial in preparing for and managing these implications.
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What is levirate marriage?
The word levirate, which has nothing to do with the tribe of Levi, comes from the Latin word levir, meaning "husband's brother". Levirate marriage is a type of marriage in which the brother of a deceased man is obliged to marry his brother's widow. This form of marriage is practised in societies with a strong clan structure in which exogamous marriage (marriage outside the clan) is forbidden.
The practice was extremely important in ancient times, such as in the Ancient Near East, and remains so today in parts of the world. Having children enables the inheritance of land, which offers security and status. A levirate marriage might only occur if a man died childless, in order to continue his family line. In some cultures, the widow is required to marry a younger brother of the deceased. In other cultures, the widow is required to marry a brother of the deceased who is older than the deceased.
The Hebrew Bible mentions a form of levirate marriage, called yibbum, in Deuteronomy 25:5–10, under which the brother of a man who dies without children is permitted and encouraged to marry the widow. Either of the parties may refuse to go through with the marriage, but then both must go through a ceremony, known as halizah, involving a symbolic act of renunciation of a yibbum marriage. Sexual relations with one's brother's wife are otherwise forbidden by Leviticus 18 and Leviticus 20. Jewish custom has seen a gradual decline of yibbum in favour of halizah, to the point where in most contemporary Jewish communities, and in Israel by mandate of the Chief Rabbinate, yibbum is prohibited.
Islamic law, Sharia, mentions the rules of marriage. One can marry their brother's widow and it will be accepted as a normal marriage with the consent of the wife and mahr. It is practised among several tribes like Munda, Gond, Toda, and Santhal. It is locally termed as devar vivah.
The most famous instance of levirate marriage in India was the wedding of the Panchala princess Draupadi to the five Pandava brothers. It is a main plot point of the epic Mahabharata, though heavily discussed in the text as being controversial. (Polygamy, however, was common at the time.)
Levirate marriage is commonly practised among the Goula, who mostly live in the northern part of the Central African Republic, and among the Mambila of northern Cameroon. Among the Maragoli of western Kenya, widows mostly remarry the deceased husband's brother. In the highlands of Kenya, it is Nandi custom for a widow to be "taken over" by a brother of her deceased husband. In some parts of Nigeria, it is a common practice for a woman to marry her late husband's brother if she had children. The Kyrgyz people also practise levirate marriage.
The Nuer people practise Ghost marriage, an alternate form of levirate marriage. The Karo people of Indonesia also practise levirate marriages. Kurds in Türkiye practise levirate where the widow lives with the husband's family and if her children are young, she has to marry her deceased husband's brother. The Shona people of Zimbabwe follow levirate with a bride price called roora.
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What are the potential issues of marrying your brother's ex-girlfriend?
Marrying your brother's ex-girlfriend can bring about several potential issues, both in the present and in the future. Here are some considerations to keep in mind:
Emotional and relational challenges
The first and most immediate concern is the emotional impact on your brother. Even if he has moved on from his previous relationship, seeing his ex-girlfriend marry his sibling can stir up complicated feelings, including jealousy and resentment. This could strain your relationship with your brother and create a sense of competition or rivalry between you. It is essential to consider his feelings and the potential damage to your relationship with him.
Family dynamics and social perception
Marrying your brother's ex-girlfriend can also complicate family dynamics and social perceptions. Your family members, especially your parents, may have strong opinions about the situation. They might feel caught between their loyalty to you and your brother, and family gatherings or events could become tense or uncomfortable. Additionally, you may face judgment or gossip from extended family or mutual friends who are aware of the situation. Navigating these complex family dynamics and social perceptions can be challenging.
Religious and spiritual considerations
If you hold religious or spiritual beliefs, you may want to consider the perspective of your faith. In some religions, such as Christianity, there are no explicit biblical prohibitions against marrying your brother's ex-girlfriend. However, the Bible does consider fornication a sin, and you may need to grapple with this aspect if the previous relationship involved intimacy. It is essential to seek guidance from your religious leaders or counselors to understand how your faith views such situations.
Impact on children and family structure
If your brother has children with his ex-girlfriend, your relationship with them may become complicated. Blended family structures can already be challenging, and marrying your brother's ex-partner can add another layer of complexity. It is important to consider the well-being of any children involved and how your relationship may impact their family dynamics and emotional state.
Cultural and traditional norms
In some cultures and traditions, marrying a brother's widow (levirate marriage) is practiced, especially in societies with strong clan structures. However, outside of these specific cultural contexts, marrying your brother's ex-girlfriend may be frowned upon due to traditional norms and expectations. Understanding the cultural norms and how they might influence your decision is essential.
While there are potential issues to consider, each situation is unique, and the decision to marry your brother's ex-girlfriend ultimately depends on various factors, including your values, the level of emotional involvement, and the dynamics within your family. It may be helpful to seek counseling or guidance from a trusted source to work through these considerations and make an informed decision.
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Frequently asked questions
There are no laws against it, but it is generally frowned upon. In the Bible, Leviticus states that marrying your brother's wife is a "severe defilement" and will result in divine punishment in the form of infertility. However, Deuteronomy presents an exception to this rule, stating that if your brother died childless, you may marry his widow to continue his family line.
Levirate marriage is a type of marriage in which the brother of a deceased man is obliged to marry his brother's widow. This custom is still practised in parts of the world, including in Africa and among the Mambila of northern Cameroon.
From a spiritual perspective, some Christians may not approve, but ultimately this is a decision between you and God. You should also consider the impact on your children, your ex-husband, and your new partner's relationship with your ex-husband.
In the Tamil novel *Arukattuthurai*, Aruldas marries his sister-in-law, Samuthiravalli, after his brother Samuel goes missing. In *A Song of Ice and Fire*, Lord Eddard Stark marries his brother Brandon's betrothed, Catelyn Tully, after Brandon's death.
There are no statements in the Bible forbidding a man from marrying a woman who has been intimate with his brother. However, you should consider the potential awkwardness that may result from your brother and your partner having been intimate.
