Cecily Zamora
A mother-in-law's interference in a marriage can cause significant strain and, in some cases, even lead to divorce. While it is not uncommon for individuals to blame their mother-in-law for the breakdown of their marriage, the question of whether legal action can be taken against her is complex. In most states, suing someone for breaking up a marriage is uncommon, and such heart balm lawsuits are often viewed with disfavor by courts. However, in certain states like Utah, Hawaii, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota, and Mississippi, an antiquated law called alienation of affection allows individuals to sue a third party for interfering in their marriage and causing a loss of love and affection. In such cases, the plaintiff must prove that the defendant's actions were intentional or reckless, extreme and outrageous, and directly caused the distress leading to the breakdown of the marriage. While suing a mother-in-law for emotional distress may be an option in specific states, it is essential to seek legal advice and understand the complexities of the law in one's jurisdiction.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Can I sue my mother-in-law for breaking up my marriage? | Yes, in some states, you can sue for "criminal conversation" or "alienation of affection". |
| Where is this possible? | Utah, Hawaii, Kansas, Maine, Montana, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota, or Mississippi. |
| What is alienation of affection? | A couple had a happy marriage until a third party entered and ruined it. The third party coerced one of the spouses to leave, leading to a loss of affection. |
| What is criminal conversation? | The plaintiff sues the defendant for engaging in a sexual act with their spouse during the marriage. |
| What are the challenges of such lawsuits? | Most states have abolished these types of lawsuits, and courts in states that still allow them tend to view them with disfavor. |
| What are the alternatives to suing? | Setting and maintaining strong boundaries, taking time-outs, finding outlets for negative energy, seeking support from friends or groups, and excusing oneself from family gatherings. |
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What You'll Learn
Intentional infliction of emotional distress
Emotional distress lawsuits fall into two categories: intentional infliction of emotional distress (IIED) or negligent infliction of emotional distress (NIED). IIED occurs when someone intentionally or recklessly acts toward you in a way that causes emotional distress. For example, a person who persistently threatens you with physical harm could be found to have caused you emotional distress.
To establish a successful claim for IIED, you must prove the following elements:
- The defendant acted intentionally or recklessly.
- The defendant's conduct was extreme and outrageous.
- The defendant's act is the cause of the distress.
- The plaintiff suffers severe emotional distress as a result of the defendant's conduct.
In most cases, your suffering should be documented by a medical professional. Proving emotional distress can be difficult and often relies on evidence such as medical documentation and expert witness testimony. Emotional distress is defined as mental suffering in response to prior events or conditions caused by someone else.
It is important to note that lawsuits for emotional distress are subject to a statute of limitations, which sets a deadline by which you must have filed a lawsuit. The deadline varies by state and is most commonly between two and three years.
In the context of your situation, if you can prove that your mother-in-law intentionally interfered in your marriage and caused you severe emotional distress, you may be able to file a lawsuit against her for IIED. However, it is important to consult with a lawyer to understand the specific laws and requirements in your state.
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Alienation of affection
To prove alienation of affection, the plaintiff must show that:
- They were married, and a genuine love and affection existed between them.
- The third party's conduct caused the marriage to experience a loss of affection.
- The defendant acted intentionally or recklessly, and their conduct was extreme and outrageous.
- The plaintiff suffered severe emotional distress as a result of the defendant's conduct.
While alienation of affection lawsuits may be an option for some, it is important to note that they are viewed with disfavor by courts and considered old-fashioned. Seeking legal counsel and support from friends and support groups may be a more constructive way to navigate toxic in-laws and protect your marriage.
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Controlling behaviour
Some signs of controlling behaviour include:
- Routinely making decisions for their partner, such as insisting on driving them everywhere or making arrangements with their friends.
- Monitoring their partner's activity, such as following them in their car or keeping track of their social media.
- Controlling access to money or other financial resources.
- Refusing to acknowledge their partner's feelings or needs, and instead focusing on their own.
- Using manipulation tactics to invalidate their partner's feelings, such as blaming their partner for their own mistakes or abusive behaviour.
- Trying to isolate their partner from family and friends, or making their partner feel guilty for spending time with loved ones.
If you are experiencing controlling behaviour in your relationship, it is important to establish boundaries and take care of yourself. This may involve excusing yourself from family gatherings, not answering phone calls, or turning to friends or support groups for help.
In some cases, controlling behaviour can be considered emotional distress or intentional infliction of emotional distress, which is a tort. If you can prove that your mother-in-law's controlling behaviour has caused severe emotional distress and meets the other legal requirements, you may be able to sue her for the harm she has caused. However, it is important to note that this may not be possible in all jurisdictions, and it is always best to seek legal advice from a qualified lawyer.
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Overstepping boundaries
In most cases, divorce is the result of years of problems in a marriage that have piled on top of each other to the point where one or both partners can no longer bear it. One of the main contributing factors to the "divorce because of mother-in-law" phenomenon is when spouses believe their partner is siding with their family over them. This can lead to feelings of being judged or persecuted for having your own feelings, thoughts, and opinions, which can cause substantial strain and potentially lead to divorce.
A mother-in-law should not have a "role" in their child's marriage, according to a licensed psychotherapist. However, mothers are often used to being the "cruise directors" for the family unit, doing all the caretaking and decision-making, which can create conflict when another individual joins the family and has their own traditions and separate family influence. This can lead to the mother displaying "controlling, opinionated, or inflexible behaviors".
The overarching theme of the ways a mother-in-law can ruin a marriage is the overstepping of boundaries. This often occurs when the couple has kids, giving the mother-in-law more opportunities to offer opinions and unsolicited advice. Here are some ways a mother-in-law may overstep boundaries:
- Asserting unsolicited opinions about their child's relationship with their spouse, child-rearing tactics, financial decisions, and more.
- Being critical or demeaning to their child's spouse, either through passive-aggressive or overt statements and behaviors.
- Being controlling or attempting to make decisions for their child's family.
- Saying negative things about their child's spouse to their child or attempting to negatively influence the way their child views their spouse.
- Creating unnecessary conflict and turmoil, as well as finding ways to make their child's spouse feel excluded or uncomfortable, including at family events or holidays.
It is important to note that setting boundaries is not enough; there must also be a willingness to hold boundaries. If your mother-in-law asserts her opinion on something out of bounds or acts disrespectfully, it is crucial to make her aware that you are not okay with that behavior. If this behavior continues, you and your partner will need to decide on the next steps.
While it is uncommon to sue a mother-in-law for breaking up a marriage, it may be possible in certain states (Utah, Hawaii, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota, or Mississippi) under the law of alienation of affection. This law requires proof that a third party entered a happy marriage and caused the loss of love and affection between the spouses. However, it is very difficult to win a case like this, and most states have abolished these types of lawsuits.
Instead of suing, it is recommended to take time-outs to evaluate the situation and develop a game plan. It is also suggested to find outlets to work through negative energy, such as spending time with friends or support groups, and excusing yourself from family gatherings or phone calls to create some distance and take care of yourself.
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Unrealistic expectations
A toxic mother-in-law can be overly controlling, critical, and disrespectful, often interfering in their child's marriage or parenting decisions. They may have unrealistic expectations about their involvement in their child's marriage, undermining the partnership and causing emotional stress and conflicts. For example, a mother-in-law may call her child's house 2-3 times a day, always having tasks for her child to do, and prioritising her own needs over her child's spouse.
To manage unrealistic expectations and a toxic mother-in-law, it is crucial to set clear boundaries and limits. Couples must communicate their expectations and limits to their in-laws and establish specific times for phone calls and visits to maintain their privacy and independence. It is also important to be selective about the information shared with a mother-in-law to reduce unsolicited advice and judgments.
Additionally, it is beneficial to address issues directly with the mother-in-law and try to see the situation from her perspective. While it may be challenging, finding empathy for a mother-in-law's behaviour can help to navigate a resolution.
In some cases, seeking legal advice or taking time for self-care and "me time" can be necessary to manage the situation and protect one's well-being.
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