Cecily Zamora
In-laws are a person's spouse's family members, connected by law rather than by blood. The term 'in-law' refers to canon law, which covers the church's rules and regulations that govern, among other things, which relatives you are prohibited from marrying. In-laws are often viewed as either a source of conflict or a source of support in a marriage. Integrating someone new into a family can be stressful as families have their unique beliefs, values, preferences, ways of doing things, and traditions. In-law problems are common and often include issues such as control, interference, inconvenience, and the clashing of values and traditions.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Control | Telling someone how to cook |
| Interference | Dropping in unannounced |
| Inconvenience | Lack of privacy |
| Clashing of values and traditions | Different religious beliefs |
| Lack of respect | Not treating others with kindness and dignity |
| Lack of communication | Failure to visit, telephone or email |
| Lack of acceptance | Not viewing in-laws as family |
| Lack of healthy relationship skills | Lack of love, kindness, humility, patience, mutual respect, and forgiveness |
| Lack of boundaries | Insisting on things being done a certain way |
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What You'll Learn
Control and interference
Interference and control from in-laws are common issues that many couples face. In-laws may struggle to accept that their child now has their own family, and this can lead to feelings of jealousy and insecurity. They may try to fill a void in their own lives by blurring the boundaries between their lives and the lives of their married children. This can result in controlling behaviour, such as trying to influence decisions about major life events, or more subtle forms of interference, such as making passive-aggressive comments or sharing negative family gossip.
It is important for couples to present a united front when dealing with controlling or interfering in-laws. They should make it clear that their parenting and marital choices are not up for debate and that they expect their boundaries to be respected. This can be difficult, especially if the in-laws are contributing financially to events such as weddings. However, it is important to remember that it is the couple's relationship and family, and they are in control.
To mitigate the impact of controlling or interfering in-laws, couples can anticipate potential disruptions and have backup plans in place. They should also be clear and firm when making arrangements with in-laws and call out any sabotage or manipulation tactics. It may be necessary to limit interactions with in-laws or their involvement in certain situations if their behaviour continues.
In some cases, in-laws may be acting out of a genuine sense of concern or a desire to help. For example, if their child appears to be struggling with new responsibilities, in-laws may feel the need to come to the rescue. In these cases, it is important for the couple to communicate their boundaries and expectations clearly and consistently enforce them. This may involve having frank conversations with in-laws about what is and is not acceptable behaviour.
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Religious differences
Dealing with in-laws can be challenging, and when religious differences are thrown into the mix, it can become even more complex. Here are some suggestions on navigating religious differences with your in-laws:
Presenting a United Front
It is essential that you and your spouse are on the same page and present a united front when dealing with in-laws. Explain to your families that you chose each other and request that they respect your choices and beliefs, even if they differ from theirs. This can help prevent family friction and relationship issues.
Respect and Open-mindedness
Show respect for your in-laws' faith and try to understand their perspective. Attend their religious events or services, such as a Passover seder or a Buddhist temple. By demonstrating respect and interest, you can foster a more positive dynamic. However, it is also important to set boundaries and ensure that your in-laws do not impose their beliefs on you or your children if that is not what you want.
Navigating Grandparents' Influence
If you have children, navigating the influence of religious grandparents can be tricky. While it is beneficial to expose children to different beliefs and cultures, you may need to set boundaries with your in-laws regarding religious teachings and practices for your children. Decide what you are comfortable with and communicate your wishes clearly to your in-laws. It is essential to find a balance between respecting their beliefs and ensuring your children are not being indoctrinated against your wishes.
Open Communication
Open and honest communication is key. Be transparent about your beliefs and address any concerns early on. If you are an atheist or have different religious beliefs, it is better to be upfront about it rather than hiding it. This can help prevent misunderstandings and resentment down the line.
Avoid Confrontational Topics
When discussing religion with your in-laws, avoid topics that are likely to cause confrontation, such as abortion, birth control, and sexual practices. These topics often trigger strong emotional responses and may lead to unnecessary friction.
Remember, the goal is to foster mutual respect and understanding, even if you don't share the same beliefs. By approaching religious differences with openness and empathy, you can navigate these challenges and maintain a positive relationship with your in-laws.
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Privacy
In-laws can sometimes overstep their boundaries and infringe on your privacy. If you are experiencing this, there are a few things you can do to try and improve the situation. Firstly, it is important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about the issues you are facing. It is crucial that you and your partner are on the same page regarding your living situation, how to treat your in-laws, and how to handle any problems that arise.
For example, if your in-laws live next door and your brothers-in-law frequently enter your home without permission, you should calmly and factually explain to your partner how this is affecting you. It is important to remember that while it is commendable for your partner to want to care for their family, they should also consider your feelings and respect your need for privacy.
In Islamic law, married couples are encouraged to have their own private space, separate from their in-laws. When discussing this with your partner, approach the topic with compassion rather than accusation or judgement. Remember that any sacrifices you make for the sake of your partner and their family will not go unnoticed by a higher power. At the same time, be realistic about your ability to cope with the situation. Do not suffer in silence, as this could lead to resentment.
If you are considering starting a family, it may be wiser to delay having children until your living situation improves. Pregnancy, childbirth, and raising children are all significant life changes that could be easier to navigate if you have a stronger foundation and more privacy. Seek comfort in your beliefs and know that you are not alone in your struggles. Connect with your support network of family and friends, practice self-care, and consider seeking counselling if you are feeling overwhelmed.
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Communication
Open Communication
Open communication is essential in any relationship, including in-laws. It is important to express your feelings and create a safe space for them to do the same. This can prevent hurtful situations and misunderstandings. While it may be challenging, it is crucial to have difficult conversations and set boundaries when needed.
Active Listening
Active listening is a vital aspect of effective communication. As Chapman writes, "we cannot read other people's minds; we observe their behaviour, but we do not know what is behind it until we listen." By asking sincere questions and showing genuine interest, you can better understand your in-laws' thoughts and feelings. Avoid interrupting and assume you know what they are thinking, as this can harm your relationship.
"I" Statements
When discussing sensitive topics, Chapman suggests using "I" statements instead of "you" statements. Beginning sentences with "you" can sound accusatory and stimulate a defensive response. On the other hand, starting with "I" allows you to express your feelings without condemning the other person. For example, saying, "I feel hurt when my opinions are not considered" is more effective than saying, "You never consider my opinions."
Negotiation and Compromise
Negotiation is a critical aspect of building a positive relationship with your in-laws. It involves making proposals, listening to counterproposals, and seeking mutually beneficial agreements. Remember to make requests, not demands, and be open to finding a middle ground. This shows respect for your in-laws' perspectives and values, even if they differ from your own.
Adjusting to Different Communication Styles
Families have unique communication routines and styles. When a newcomer joins the family, they may disrupt these established routines, causing tension. Be mindful that your in-laws may have different conversational norms, especially if they come from a larger or smaller family. Adjust your communication style accordingly, and be respectful of their traditions.
Managing Difficult Conversations
In-law relationships can involve challenging topics, such as control, interference, religious differences, and value clashes. If you find yourself in a similar situation, it is essential to approach these conversations with empathy and respect. Seek to understand their perspective, even if you don't agree. If necessary, limit your time with them or set boundaries to prioritise your marriage and well-being.
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Conflict resolution
Firstly, open and honest communication is vital. This involves active listening, where both parties pay attention to each other's words and emotions, ask questions, and summarize key points. By showing genuine interest and understanding, couples can create a safe and empathetic environment for everyone involved. Using "I" statements, such as "I feel stressed when..." can help express concerns without assigning blame and fostering open dialogue.
Secondly, setting clear and respectful boundaries is crucial. Boundaries define acceptable behavior and help prevent misunderstandings. For married couples, presenting a united front when communicating these boundaries to in-laws is essential. These boundaries may include limits on visit frequency, involvement in decision-making, and privacy expectations.
In more challenging situations, couples therapy can be beneficial. Therapists can help identify underlying issues, provide coping strategies, and offer assertiveness training to improve communication and conflict resolution skills. They can also guide couples in navigating direct conversations with in-laws and maintaining a respectful approach.
Finally, it is important to remember that conflicts with in-laws can be emotionally charged. Empathizing with your spouse's difficulties and prioritizing your chosen family unit can strengthen your marriage. This involves differentiating between your family of origin and your chosen family, which is a natural part of establishing your own identity.
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Frequently asked questions
It is common for in-laws to visit unannounced, but it is important to set boundaries and communicate your schedules and preferences to avoid inconvenience and conflict.
In-laws can offer support and become a found family, but they should respect your marriage as a separate entity. Jealousy, control, interference, and clashes in values can cause conflict and negatively impact your relationship.
It is important to set financial boundaries and ensure that your partner and their parents respect your shared financial decisions and autonomy.
Your in-laws may offer advice or suggestions based on their own experiences, but it is important to assert your independence and communicate your preferences respectfully.
It is normal to have differing views, and these differences can enrich your relationship if approached with respect, humility, and open-mindedness. Avoid hot-button topics, and seek to negotiate and find middle ground when possible.
