In-Laws Tying The Knot: Navigating A Complex Union

In-laws are often viewed as either a source of conflict or a source of support in a marriage. While parent-in-laws getting married is not a common occurrence, it is not prohibited by law in England and Wales. In Judaism, there is no explicit rule forbidding co-parents-in-law from marrying, although it is generally advised that the children marry first to avoid any potential issues. While some might find it unusual, as long as all parties are consenting adults and there is no blood relation, there is no legal or moral issue with parent-in-laws getting married.

Can co-parents-in-law get married?

In-laws marrying is legal in England and Wales

In-laws can marry in England and Wales, but only in certain circumstances. The marriage may usually only take place during a civil ceremony, under licence. Provided they are aged 21 years or older, step-relatives may marry. However, the younger member of the couple must, at no time before the age of 18, have lived under the same roof as the older person.

In England and Wales, you can get married from the age of 16 if you have parental consent. Without parental consent, you can get married at 18. A law has been passed to remove the 'aged 16' option, but it is not yet in force. Before 27 February 2023, you could get married when you were 16 or 17 with the consent of each parent with parental responsibility and any legal guardian. If you didn't have consent from your parents or permission from the court, your marriage probably isn't legal.

To get married legally in the UK, your marriage must take place on government-approved premises. This can be a religious or civil ceremony. If you marry in a register office, you can have a religious marriage ceremony afterwards. You must give at least 29 days' notice at your local register office. It's only valid for 12 months, so you must complete your ceremony within 12 months of giving notice. If either you or your intended spouse are from outside the UK, you may need a visa before you can get married.

It's not uncommon for parent in-laws to marry

It's not uncommon for parent-in-laws to marry, and in England and Wales, it is legal. While it may be considered unconventional and may raise a few eyebrows, it is not unheard of. People who spend a lot of time together often develop feelings for each other, and this can happen between parents-in-law. In some cases, it may be a more practical arrangement, especially for older parents who can no longer provide for themselves. By marrying, they can maintain one residence for the parents instead of two.

Legally, there is no prohibition against co-parents-in-law marrying, although it is essential to consider the specific laws and regulations of the relevant jurisdiction. For example, in Judaism, while there is no blanket prohibition, Reb Yehudah Hachasid advises caution and suggests that the children perform Tannaim before the parents' marriage.

It is worth noting that while parent-in-laws marrying may not be common, it is also not necessarily considered taboo or extremely unusual. As long as all parties involved are consenting adults who can communicate respectfully and honestly, there is nothing inherently wrong with the arrangement. However, it is essential to be mindful of potential conflicts of interest and family relationship clashes that may arise in such a scenario.

Additionally, in some cases, there may be a loophole or an order of operations that needs to be considered. For example, if two widows, A and B, are dating each other, and their respective children, C and D, are also dating, it is permissible for C and D to marry first and then for A and B to marry. However, the reverse order is not allowed in some jurisdictions.

Overall, while it may be uncommon for parent-in-laws to marry, it is not illegal or unheard of, and it is ultimately up to the individuals involved to decide what is best for them, as long as they are consenting adults.

In Judaism, it depends on whether the children marry first

In Judaism, marriage is considered a sacred contract between a man and a woman. It is seen as a reunion of two halves of the same soul, with the soul and character of the individuals taking precedence over physical appearances. While the role of women in traditional Jewish law is often misunderstood, it is not considered lowly.

The concept of "in-laws" in Judaism is complex and multifaceted. While there are no explicit references to "parent-in-laws" in Jewish law, there are various restrictions and considerations regarding marriage between certain relatives. For example, according to Jewish law, a man is forbidden from marrying his former daughter-in-law, and a woman is prohibited from marrying her brother-in-law. These restrictions are independent of whether the children are married first.

However, the situation becomes more nuanced when considering the broader context of incest and prohibited marriages in Judaism. In this regard, the opinions vary among different branches and interpretations of Judaism, such as Orthodox, Conservative, and Karaite Judaism. For instance, in Orthodox Judaism, incest is prohibited, and there is a strong emphasis on preventing intermarriage with non-Jews. On the other hand, Conservative Judaism may encourage the acceptance of a non-Jewish spouse within the family.

Additionally, in some forms of Judaism, there is a concept known as yibbum or levirate marriage, where if a man dies childless, his brother is required to marry the widow (Deut 25:5). This practice can create complex family dynamics and potentially impact the marriage options for the children involved.

Therefore, the question of whether parent-in-laws can marry in Judaism depends on the specific circumstances, the branch of Judaism being followed, and the interpretation of Jewish law by the relevant authorities. It is always advisable to consult with a rabbi or a knowledgeable source for a more definitive answer regarding a particular situation.

Parent in-laws are often a source of conflict in marriages

Parent-in-laws are often viewed as a source of conflict in marriages. This is due to several factors, including jealousy, competition, differences, and disillusioned expectations. The dynamic between a parent and their child's spouse can be complex and filled with potential tensions. One of the primary challenges arises from the existing bond between parents and their children. The relationship between an infant and its parent is often passionate and absorbing, creating an early intimacy that impacts subsequent intimate attachments, including marriage. This dynamic can lead to feelings of vulnerability and a sense of assessment from the parent towards their child's spouse, potentially causing conflict.

Additionally, navigating loyalties and boundaries can be tricky. Couples may find themselves caught between their spouse and their in-laws, struggling to balance their allegiances. This can result in quarrels and disagreements, as seen in Luisa and Eric's story, where Luisa felt disrespected by her mother-in-law, and Eric's inability to address the issue directly caused further tension in their marriage.

Religious and spiritual differences can also play a role in conflicts involving parent-in-laws. Even if both partners share the same religious background, doctrinal traditions within the same religion can vary, and parents may have strong beliefs that differ from those of their child's spouse. This can create friction and disagreement, especially if the parents feel their child is moving away from their religious values.

Cultural expectations and duties imposed on in-law relationships can further complicate matters. Many cultures have specific traditions and responsibilities associated with these relationships, which can lead to clashes if the child's spouse does not adhere to or understand these expectations.

However, it is essential to note that parent-in-laws can also be a source of support in a marriage. They can provide a found family for partners who may not be close to their biological families. While conflicts may arise, it does not necessarily mean that the marriage is doomed to fail. Open communication, respect, and establishing healthy boundaries can help navigate these relationships and prevent conflicts from overwhelming the marriage.

In popular culture, mother-in-laws are often depicted negatively

The media has a significant influence on how we view parents and parenting practices, and this includes the portrayal of mother-in-laws. Social learning theory has been used as a framework to study the effects of media on individuals, and evidence suggests that these depictions can have serious consequences. For example, the "new father" portrayed in the media is a mix of traditional masculinity and traits typically associated with mothers, such as being nurturing and participative in family and domestic roles. Similarly, the media's portrayal of the "perfect" mother can set unrealistic standards for real-life mothers, leading to judgement, negative evaluation, and even mum-shaming if they do not conform.

The negative depiction of mother-in-laws in popular culture is not limited to media portrayals, however. Jokes and stereotypes about overbearing and obnoxious mothers-in-law are common, and it is often believed that negative relationships with in-laws will have a disastrous effect on a marriage. This belief can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the expectation of conflict with a mother-in-law leads to a negative relationship and subsequent issues in the marriage.

While the media and popular culture often depict mother-in-laws negatively, it is important to recognise that they can also be a source of support for their children-in-law, especially if the child-in-law is not close to their own family. In-laws can provide a sense of family and connection, and a support system for their children and grandchildren. Additionally, the amount of connection to parent-in-laws has not been found to influence the success of their children's marriage, suggesting that while conflict with in-laws may be challenging, it is not necessarily a determinant of marital success or failure.

Frequently asked questions