Anaya Nolan
Indian in-laws are often involved in their children's lives, including after their children are married. It is common for Indian parents to expect their children to live with them, even after marriage, and for extended visits if their children live abroad. This can lead to cultural misunderstandings and difficulties for their children and their children's spouses, especially if the spouses are from a different cultural background.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Involvement in their children's lives | High |
| Extended visits | Yes |
| Expecting their son to live with them after marriage | Yes |
| Expecting their son's wife to live with them after marriage | Yes |
| Expecting their son's wife to be submissive | Yes |
| Expecting their son's wife to be treated badly | Yes |
| Expecting their son to have children | Yes |
| Expecting their son to obey their wishes | Yes |
| Expecting their son to prioritise them over his wife | Yes |
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What You'll Learn
Extended visits from in-laws
For individuals from other cultural backgrounds, adjusting to such extended visits can be difficult. One common challenge is the language barrier, as some Indian in-laws may have limited English proficiency. This can hinder emotional connection and meaningful communication with their daughter-in-law.
Another issue that may arise is the expectation of deference to the in-laws' wishes. In Indian culture, daughter-in-laws traditionally refrain from speaking their minds to their in-laws, and any expression of dissent may be perceived as disrespectful or rude. This dynamic can create tension, especially if the daughter-in-law comes from a cultural background that encourages open communication and direct expression of opinions.
To navigate these challenges, it is crucial to have open and honest conversations with your spouse. It is important to set boundaries and assert your needs and preferences while also respecting your in-laws' cultural background. Compromises, such as limiting visit lengths or arranging separate accommodations for extended stays, can help alleviate tension and create a more harmonious dynamic.
Additionally, it is essential to recognise that cultural norms are evolving, and many Indians abroad are marrying individuals from different cultural backgrounds. This cultural exchange can lead to a gradual shift in traditional expectations, and some Indian families are becoming more accepting of their children's independent lifestyles.
Extended visits from Indian in-laws can be a complex situation that requires sensitivity, open communication, and a willingness to find a balance between cultural traditions and personal boundaries.
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Controlling behaviour
Indian mothers-in-law have been described as overbearing, controlling, and manipulative, often interfering in the lives of their daughters-in-law and subjecting them to mental, emotional, and sometimes physical distress. This controlling behaviour can manifest in various ways, such as dictating their daughter-in-law's daily routine, including when they wake up and what they wear.
One common issue is the expectation to conform to cultural norms, particularly around food. For example, a pregnant woman with specific dietary requirements due to medical concerns was criticised and insulted by her in-laws for not eating the same food as them. They refused to acknowledge her medical condition and insisted she conform to their cultural norms, causing her stress and affecting her peace of mind.
In some cases, Indian mothers-in-law may try to control their daughter-in-law's participation in household chores. For instance, not allowing her to cook or wash dishes, providing various excuses to prevent her from contributing. This can be frustrating for someone who enjoys cooking and sees it as a way to show love and care for the family.
The controlling behaviour can also extend to significant events, such as baby showers, where in-laws may try to dictate the guest list and threaten to cancel the event if their demands are not met. This can result in emotional distress and conflict during what should be a joyful time.
It is important to note that not all Indian mothers-in-law exhibit such behaviour, and it is crucial to address the specific individuals exhibiting these behaviours rather than generalising across cultural or financial backgrounds. However, the impact of controlling behaviour can be significant, and it is advised to set clear boundaries and prioritise one's mental health by ignoring offensive comments and focusing on self-care.
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Cultural misunderstandings
Indian culture is diverse, with variations in customs and traditions across regions, religions, and communities. However, some common cultural norms and practices related to in-laws can sometimes lead to misunderstandings, especially when individuals from different cultural backgrounds come together in a family. Here are some examples of cultural misunderstandings that can occur:
Extended family visits: In Indian culture, it is customary for close family ties and frequent extended visits between relatives. In-laws may expect to stay for extended periods, ranging from several weeks to several months, when they visit their children and grandchildren living abroad. This can lead to cultural misunderstandings, especially if the hosting family is from a culture where shorter visits or separate accommodations for guests are more common. For example, a German user married to an Indian man living in Germany expressed surprise at her in-laws' expectation to always stay at their home during their visits, which lasted around 4 to 8 weeks. She felt shamed and misunderstood when trying to set boundaries and suggest alternative accommodations.
Parental involvement in children's lives: Traditionally, Indian children often continue living with their parents even after they become adults, only moving out for educational or career purposes. This arrangement sometimes continues after marriage, with the eldest son and his wife expected to reside in the husband's parents' home. This cultural norm can lead to misunderstandings when in-laws expect frequent contact, involvement in decision-making, and a significant role in their married children's lives. For instance, a user shared that their Indian in-laws called their son every day, and half of the conversations revolved around why the couple was not planning to have children yet.
Expectations of daughter-in-laws: There is a cultural mythology in India about daughter-in-laws being treated badly when they move into their in-laws' home, almost like a hazing ritual. This can cause friction and misunderstandings, especially if the daughter-in-law is from a different cultural background where such treatment is unacceptable. Additionally, traditional gender roles may lead to expectations that the daughter-in-law will take on specific household duties, such as cleaning and childcare, which can be offensive to those with different cultural norms.
Decision-making and control: Indian parents often play a significant role in their children's lives, even after marriage. This involvement can sometimes be perceived as controlling, with in-laws offering frequent "suggestions" or attempting to make decisions on behalf of their married children. While this may be rooted in a desire to guide and protect, it can lead to misunderstandings and frustration for couples who value independence and autonomy.
Communication styles: Direct communication styles, such as speaking one's mind openly, may be considered disrespectful or rude in Indian culture, especially when interacting with elders. This can lead to cultural misunderstandings, especially if a daughter-in-law from a different cultural background expresses her opinions or disagrees with her in-laws.
Navigating these cultural differences requires open and honest communication between couples and their in-laws, mutual respect for each other's backgrounds, and a willingness to find compromise and understanding.
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Difficulty communicating
Communication difficulties with Indian in-laws can stem from a variety of factors, including cultural differences, language barriers, and traditional family dynamics.
Cultural Differences
Cultural misunderstandings can create challenges in communication between Indian in-laws and their spouses or children's partners, especially when the latter are from a different cultural background. For example, in traditional Indian families, children often continue living with their parents even after marriage, and the eldest son's wife typically moves into the in-laws' home. This can lead to cultural clashes if the spouse or daughter-in-law comes from a background where independence and nuclear families are valued.
Language Barriers
Language barriers can also hinder communication. In-laws who speak limited English, as is common among older generations of Indians, may struggle to communicate effectively with their children's spouses, especially if they live abroad in non-Hindi speaking countries. This can lead to feelings of isolation and anxiety, as effective communication and emotional connection become challenging.
Traditional Family Dynamics
Indian families often have strong familial bonds, with parents remaining closely involved in their children's lives even after they marry. This can result in frequent and extended visits, sometimes lasting several months, particularly if the parents hold a green card and need to stay for extended periods in the country their child lives in. While this may be a cultural norm, it can be challenging for spouses who are not used to such intense involvement from in-laws and may crave more privacy and independence.
Advice for Improved Communication
Those struggling with communication issues can consider the following strategies:
- Open and Honest Conversations: While it may be challenging, having candid conversations with in-laws can help clear the air. It is important to respectfully explain your concerns and perspectives, acknowledging cultural differences and seeking mutual understanding.
- Spouse as a Mediator: Involving your spouse or partner in these conversations is crucial. They can act as a mediator, explaining your feelings to their parents and advocating for your needs.
- Setting Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries is essential for maintaining your sanity. Communicate your expectations and assert your right to make decisions about your life, home, and children.
- Selective Agreement: Sometimes, agreeing or nodding along can help avoid confrontation, especially if you plan to do what you feel is best regardless. This approach can reduce friction while still allowing you to maintain your autonomy.
Remember, while cultural differences play a significant role, it is also important to recognize when the issue is not solely about culture but also about respect, control, and healthy boundaries.
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Interference in their son's marriage
Indian mothers-in-law are often accused of interfering in their sons' marriages. This interference can sometimes lead to divorce, especially in arranged marriages. In Indian culture, it is customary for the eldest son to bring his wife to live with his parents in their home after marriage. This can create tension between the wife and her in-laws, who may treat her poorly.
Indian mothers-in-law often have a sense of entitlement and believe that they have the right to control every aspect of their son's life, even after he is married. This can lead to a power struggle between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law, as the mother-in-law may see the daughter-in-law as a threat to her own power and influence over her son. The mother-in-law may fear that if her son and his wife get along well, he will spend less time and money on her, leaving her alone and neglected.
Additionally, Indian mothers-in-law often have a hard time accepting that their sons have grown up and have lives of their own. They may continue to try to make decisions for their sons and may not respect their privacy or independence. This can cause problems in the son's marriage, especially if he feels caught between his wife and his mother.
Cultural differences can also play a role in the interference of Indian mothers-in-law. For example, in Indian culture, it is traditional for extended family visits to last for months at a time. This can be a source of tension for the son and his wife, especially if they are not used to such long visits or if the mother-in-law does not respect their boundaries. Language barriers can also make it difficult for the wife and mother-in-law to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts.
It is important to note that not all Indian mothers-in-law are interfering or controlling. However, for those who are, it can cause significant strain on their sons' marriages. It is up to the son to set boundaries with his mother and make it clear that he and his wife are a team.
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Frequently asked questions
Visits from Indian in-laws can last for months at a time. In one case, in-laws stayed for 4-5 months.
In traditional Indian families, children usually move back home after university or when they finish career-related endeavours. Once married, the eldest son will bring his wife to live with his parents. It is also common for Indian parents to be very involved in their children's lives, even after they are married.
It is important to have open and candid conversations with your in-laws and explain any cultural differences that may exist. It may be helpful to have your partner involved in these conversations as well, as they may be more receptive to their child.
Some people have reported feeling controlled or disrespected by their Indian in-laws. There may also be language barriers, as some older Indian parents may not speak English fluently. Additionally, there is a cultural mythology around daughter-in-laws being treated badly when they move into their in-laws' home.
It is important to respect your in-laws and their cultural traditions. Try to have open conversations and set clear boundaries. Additionally, it may be helpful to seek support from your partner and other family members, such as sister-in-laws, who can help facilitate the process.
