Cameron Miranda
Getting along with your mother-in-law can be challenging, but it doesn't have to be. Whether you're newly married or trying to improve a long-standing relationship, there are strategies you can use to cultivate a positive relationship. While the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is typically considered the most complex, these strategies can be applied to any in-law relationship. It's important to remember that your in-laws want the best for their child and that you didn't choose your partner's parents. Starting from a place of mutual respect will give you a baseline for a healthy relationship. If conflict arises, be polite and respectful, and try to find common interests and activities you can share. Understanding the psychology behind the relationship can also help you navigate challenges and create a healthy connection with your mother-in-law.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Respect | Mutual respect is key to a healthy relationship with your mother-in-law. |
| Open Communication | Communicate respectfully and constructively. |
| Boundaries | Enforce healthy boundaries and pick your battles. |
| Compromise | Compromise and find common ground, especially on household responsibilities and discipline. |
| Positivity | Approach interactions with a positive mindset and good manners. |
| Understanding | Try to understand your mother-in-law's point of view and show that you value her opinion. |
| Quality Time | Spend quality time together and find shared interests or hobbies. |
| Support | Show your support for your mother-in-law and encourage her to support you and your spouse's decisions. |
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What You'll Learn
Show respect and expect it in return
Showing respect and expecting it in return is a great way to build a healthy relationship with your mother-in-law. Here are some ways to do that:
Firstly, it's important to actively listen to your mother-in-law, even if you disagree with her. Make eye contact when she speaks, and ask questions or summarise what she has said to show you are listening. Avoid interrupting and try to respect her point of view, even if it differs from yours. You can respect her opinion without necessarily agreeing with it. For example, if she criticises your cooking, you could ask for her guidance or her son's favourite recipes. This will show that you value her opinion and want to learn from her.
Secondly, show genuine interest in getting to know her. Ask her about her life, her passions, and her interests. This will help you find common ground and build a stronger connection. For example, if you both love gardening, you could offer to help her plant flowers or work together in the yard. Spending more time together and engaging in shared activities can lead to a closer relationship.
Thirdly, respect her priorities and preferences, even if they differ from yours. For instance, if she prefers not to wear shoes in her home, remove your shoes when visiting, even if it's not a rule you would set in your own home. This simple act of consideration can go a long way in showing respect and fostering peace.
Finally, remember that your mother-in-law wants the best for her child, and she has known them much longer than you have. Try to see her suggestions and advice as coming from a place of love and good intentions. This doesn't mean you have to compromise your boundaries or values. Instead, communicate them clearly and respectfully, and work together to find a compromise that respects both your priorities.
Respect is a two-way street, and by showing respect to your mother-in-law, you can expect it in return. If you are met with resistance or a lack of respect, it may be helpful to involve your spouse to mediate and reinforce boundaries. However, always ensure that you are united in your approach and that your spouse understands the importance of speaking with your mother-in-law.
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Find common ground
Finding common ground with your mother-in-law can be a great way to foster a positive relationship. Start by getting to know her and asking her questions about her life, passions, and interests. Show genuine interest in her answers, and look for shared interests or activities that you can do together. For example, if you both enjoy dancing, you could go out dancing together or take a dance class. If you both like gardening, you could spend time together in the garden, sharing tips and learning from each other.
Research has shown that closeness between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is often predicted by their level of shared interests and the amount of time they spend together. Therefore, finding common ground and spending quality time together can be a great way to build a stronger relationship.
Additionally, it's important to remember that your mother-in-law's suggestions and criticisms may come from a place of good intentions, as she has known her child for much longer than you have. Try to actively listen to her perspective and respect her priorities, even if you don't always agree with them. This doesn't mean you should compromise your values or boundaries, but finding a middle ground and avoiding pointless arguments can help create a more harmonious relationship.
Finally, showing compassion and understanding can go a long way. Try to put yourself in her shoes and assume the best intentions, especially if she seems cold or critical. Remember that your presence in her child's life may trigger feelings of replacement or exclusion, so finding common ground and showing that you value her role in the family can help ease these concerns.
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Be polite and considerate
To get along with your mother-in-law, it's important to be polite and considerate. This can be achieved in a number of ways. Firstly, try to be in a positive headspace before seeing your mother-in-law and put your best foot forward. Common courtesy and politeness can go a long way in fostering a good relationship. Show genuine interest in her by asking questions, seeking her advice, and offering compliments. It's also a good idea to offer help whenever possible and to respect her priorities, although you should always stay true to your values. Good manners and etiquette will also contribute to a positive relationship.
Another way to be polite and considerate is to actively listen to your mother-in-law, even if you disagree with her. Hear her out and respect her point of view, and try to do things her way sometimes to keep the peace and make her happy. Avoid pointless arguing, and instead, agree to disagree and try to move on. It's also important to establish healthy boundaries and enforce them respectfully and calmly. For example, if she tends to visit without asking, politely explain that you would prefer advance notice.
Additionally, when good things happen to you, try to keep it low-key if you suspect jealousy on your mother-in-law's part. Be patient and let your bond grow organically over time, rather than expecting instant closeness. Finally, consider your mother-in-law from an impersonal angle. Try to understand her behaviour and any personality issues she may have, and remember that neither you nor your spouse is responsible for her feelings.
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Divide household responsibilities
When it comes to dividing household responsibilities with your mother-in-law, it's important to remember that she may desire a way to contribute and feel useful in the household. Depending on her abilities, offer her some autonomy within the household so that she doesn't feel like a burden or wasted space. For example, if she is able to safely and effectively babysit the children, it may be viewed as an insult if you hire a babysitter instead. Ask her if there's a way she would like to help out with the children or around the house, and let her know that her contributions are appreciated.
It's also crucial to discuss and clearly define how household responsibilities will be divided among all adults in the household. This includes chores, child care, and everyday expenses. Be open to doing things her way sometimes to keep the peace and make her happy, especially if you are living in her house. However, when it comes to issues that are important to you, such as child discipline, be sure to stand your ground.
To prevent conflicts over household duties, it's helpful to make a list of all household responsibilities, leaving out no detail. Bring these tasks to a calm and objective conversation to reduce tension and create a plan that everyone can agree on. Divide responsibilities by broader categories rather than specific tasks to allow for flexibility and individual preferences. For example, one person can be in charge of morning breakfast duty and evening baths, while the other takes on dinner and cleanup on alternating days.
Additionally, consider which tasks can be given to a professional, such as investing in a weekly cleaner or getting extra childcare help on weekends. This can free up time for family bonding and self-care, which are important for maintaining a positive dynamic in the household. Remember to evaluate and adjust household responsibilities as life circumstances change, and be willing to compromise and adapt for the benefit of the family unit as a whole.
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Communicate and compromise
Communication and compromise are key to getting along with your mother-in-law.
Communicate
Communication is a two-way street. It's important to listen to your mother-in-law and try to understand her point of view, even if you disagree with her. Show her that you respect her opinion, and be sincere and authentic in your interactions. This will help to build trust and make it easier to resolve conflicts when they arise.
If your mother-in-law does or says something that makes you uncomfortable, it's important to address it respectfully and constructively. For example, if she criticises your parenting in front of your children, you could say something like, "I understand that we may not always see eye to eye, but it would mean a lot to me if you could show your support in front of the kids."
Compromise
Finding common ground and compromising can go a long way in improving your relationship with your mother-in-law. Try to find activities or hobbies that you can enjoy together, and be open to trying new things. For example, if you both enjoy gardening, spend time working together in the yard.
Compromise can also extend to household responsibilities and chores. Discuss how these tasks will be divided early on, and be open to doing things your mother-in-law's way sometimes, especially if it's important to her. For example, if she prefers to do the laundry a certain way, it's probably not worth fighting over as long as it doesn't affect the household environment.
Remember, getting along with your mother-in-law doesn't mean you have to agree on everything or share all the same values. It's about finding a balance between respecting her priorities and staying true to your own.
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Frequently asked questions
Living far apart from your mother-in-law can strain your relationship due to the lack of time spent together. To improve your relationship, try to see each other more often. During the time you do spend together, show genuine interest in her by asking questions, seeking her advice, complimenting her, and offering help.
It's important to treat your mother-in-law with respect, politeness, and consideration as a member of the family. Actively listen to her, even if you disagree, and respect her priorities by doing things her way sometimes. Avoid pointless arguing and agree to disagree on topics like politics. Enforce healthy boundaries and communicate any issues with your spouse.
If your spouse always takes their mother's side, it's important to communicate your feelings and set boundaries. Hold your tongue if your mother-in-law says or does something that defies your boundaries, as reacting in anger can create a divide between you and your spouse. Seek couple's therapy if needed and consider temporary separation to resolve issues.
