A Mother-In-Law: A New Legal Bond?

The relationship between a mother-in-law and their daughter or son-in-law can be complex and multifaceted. While some people have wonderful relationships with their in-laws, others may struggle with challenges such as differing personalities, boundaries, and family dynamics. It is important to remember that the relationship between a mother-in-law and their child's spouse is unique and may require effort, understanding, and clear communication to nurture and strengthen.

In some cases, individuals may feel uncomfortable or uncertain about how to navigate their relationship with their mother-in-law, especially if there are conflicting expectations or dynamics at play. It is crucial to respect boundaries, be sensitive to adjustments, and prioritise the couple's relationship above all else.

Ultimately, the quality of the relationship between a mother-in-law and their daughter or son-in-law can vary, but with open communication, empathy, and a willingness to build a positive connection, it is possible to foster a meaningful and respectful bond.

Navigating the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship

The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is a delicate one to navigate, but it is possible to live harmoniously and even become close. Here are some guidelines for both parties to follow to maintain mutual respect and positivity:

For Mothers-in-Law:

• It's not about you: Remember that your son or daughter has started their own family unit, and you are no longer the primary woman in their life. This is a healthy step towards adulthood and independence. Try not to feel rejected by their new loyalties towards their spouse.
• Honour their commitment: Respect their choices, whether financial or parenting-related, and refrain from interpreting them as a rejection of your own values. Allow them to establish their own identity as a couple or family.
• Invite and include: Make an effort to invite your son or daughter-in-law to family events. This fosters a sense of inclusion and prevents hurt feelings or resentment.
• Be yourself and let your guard down: While it's normal to be on your best behaviour initially, don't be afraid to be vulnerable and authentic. Express appreciation for what your daughter-in-law brings to the family.
• Don't make assumptions: Offers of help can sometimes be seen as criticism. Tread carefully and refrain from giving advice unless asked.
• Treat your daughter-in-law like your own child: Be fair and inclusive. If you buy gifts or offer special gestures to your children, extend the same courtesy to your daughter-in-law. This creates closeness and connection.
• Choose connection over control: Respect your son or daughter-in-law's space and allow them to join you at their discretion. This will lead to more meaningful connections.
• Accept and respect: Understand that your relationship with your son or daughter has changed. Trust in the values you instilled in them and give them the space to create their own family dynamic.

For Daughters-in-Law:

• Treat your mother-in-law like your own mother: Call and spend time with her, especially if you live in the same city. This creates a sense of inclusion for both sets of grandparents.
• Q-TIP (Quit Taking It Personally): Remember that not every action or silence is about you. People have their own issues and concerns, and it's important not to take things personally.
• Find a way to praise and thank: Even if you don't see eye to eye, there is always something genuine you can praise or compliment your mother-in-law for, such as raising the man you chose to marry.
• Help as much as you can: Offer assistance in ways that are truly helpful to your mother-in-law. Ask her what she needs and be generous with your time and resources.
• Choose connection over control: Avoid using your children to manipulate your mother-in-law. Purposely preventing grandchildren from seeing their grandparents is controlling behaviour and should be avoided.
• Respect your mother-in-law: You don't have to love her, but mutual respect is crucial. Drop unrealistic expectations and choose respect to foster a positive relationship.

For Both:

• Nurture the relationship: Understand that a strong bond won't develop overnight. Relationships deepen with time and opportunity. Be patient and compassionate with each other.
• Respect boundaries: Understand that your daughter-in-law has her own patterns, habits, and routines that may differ from yours. Give her space to find her own way, and respect her boundaries, especially when it comes to her children.
• Communicate directly: Be clear about your expectations and boundaries. Open communication can prevent misunderstandings and resentment.
• Focus on the positive: Choose charitable thoughts over negative ones. Instead of focusing on faults and failings, try to see each other's gifts and talents.

Setting boundaries with your mother-in-law

Recognise the Need for Boundaries

Take some time to reflect on your relationship with your mother-in-law. Is it causing conflict with your spouse? Are you comfortable with the level of involvement she has in your life? If you feel like something needs to change, then it's probably time to set some boundaries.

Define Your Boundaries

Decide on the limits you are willing to set. For example, you might want to set boundaries around visitation, such as requiring a few days' notice before she comes over. Consider areas like parenting, finances, and communication. It's important to phrase your boundaries in a clear and respectful way, such as "I would like you to give us two days' advance notice before visiting" instead of "I want you to tell me when you're coming."

Communicate Your Boundaries

Discuss your boundaries with your spouse first to ensure you are on the same page. Then, communicate your boundaries to your mother-in-law. Be kind and gentle but firm in your delivery. Remember, the goal is to improve the relationship, not hurt her feelings.

Stick to Your Boundaries

This is often the hardest part, but it is crucial for the success of your boundary-setting. If your mother-in-law violates a boundary, there must be consequences. For example, if she shows up unannounced, continue with your planned activities and don't bend to accommodate her.

Review and Adjust Your Boundaries as Needed

Boundaries are not set in stone. Check in with yourself and your spouse from time to time to see if the boundaries are working for everyone. Be willing to make adjustments as necessary. For example, you might realise that you only need a one-day notice instead of two before visits.

Additional Tips:

• Compromise may be necessary in some areas, but know what matters are non-negotiable for you.
• If your spouse and mother-in-law are too emotionally enmeshed, consider seeking professional support.
• Remember that you cannot control your mother-in-law's feelings or actions, only your own.
• Be prepared for some pushback or hurt feelings, but don't let guilt prevent you from enforcing healthy boundaries.
• Lead with grace and respect, and always try to keep the lines of communication open.

Dealing with a toxic mother-in-law

• Set clear boundaries: Communicate your expectations and limits firmly and respectfully. Decide what behaviours you will not tolerate and enforce those boundaries consistently.
• Communicate with your spouse: Open and honest communication with your partner is crucial. Share your feelings and work together to address the issues with your mother-in-law.
• Talk to your mother-in-law: Express your concerns and feelings calmly and clearly. Let her know how her actions affect you and try to establish mutual understanding and respect.
• Minimise exposure: If possible, reduce the amount of time you spend with your mother-in-law. This doesn't have to be an aggressive gesture; simply create some distance to protect your peace of mind.
• Don't take it personally: Remember that your mother-in-law's behaviour is a reflection of her own issues. Try not to internalise her criticism or negative comments.
• Encourage your spouse to enforce boundaries: If your mother-in-law continues to cross boundaries, enlist your spouse's support. It's important for them to stand up for you and help maintain healthy boundaries.
• Focus on self-care: Prioritise your own well-being. Practice self-care activities like meditation, journaling, or spending time with supportive friends to help you cope with the stress of dealing with a toxic mother-in-law.
• Seek professional help if needed: If the situation is severely affecting your mental health or the dynamics of your family, consider seeking therapy or counselling.
• Remember, it's not about you: Your mother-in-law's behaviour may stem from her own insecurities or difficulties adjusting to your new role in the family. Try to be understanding, but also maintain healthy boundaries.
• Be inclusive: Invite and include your mother-in-law in family events and gatherings. This can help foster a sense of belonging and encourage a positive relationship.
• Offer support and generosity: Look for opportunities to help and be generous towards your mother-in-law. This can build goodwill and improve your relationship.
• Be yourself and let your guard down: Allow yourself to be vulnerable and authentic. Show your true self to your mother-in-law and encourage her to do the same.
• Don't make assumptions: Avoid offering unsolicited advice or criticism. Instead, ask your mother-in-law if she needs help and respect her boundaries.

Becoming best friends with your mother-in-law

While mothers-in-law are often vilified in books, TV, and movies, it is possible to become best friends with yours. Here are some tips on how to do that:

First Impressions

First impressions are important when meeting your in-laws. Show up as a sweet, humble, and caring person. Avoid controversial topics like politics and religion, and instead ask about your partner's childhood. Be genuine and avoid flattery, as in-laws can usually sense when someone is being insincere.

Building a Relationship

As your mother-in-law will likely be part of your family, it's important to build a relationship with her. Greet her warmly, wish her happy holidays, give her small gifts, and praise her son. Avoid complaining about your relationship or trying to turn her against your partner. Remember, she is still a mother, and her son's well-being is her priority.

Prove Yourself

Continue to show interest in her health and call her regularly. Show concern, offer advice, and involve her in family matters. Ask her for advice on various issues, leave your children in her care, and order her pies for celebrations. Respect her opinion, especially when it comes to child-rearing, but also be confident in your own decisions.

Dealing with Conflict

If your relationship with your mother-in-law is strained, don't despair. Most situations can be resolved with enough effort. Set boundaries and avoid discussing topics that may cause conflict. Focus on the things you have in common, such as your partner and grandchildren, and try to build a connection from there.

Signs of a Good Relationship

You know you've become best friends with your mother-in-law when:

• You interrupt your spouse's phone calls to talk to her.
• You send her a Mother's Day card without your spouse's involvement.
• You have inside jokes that no one else in the family understands.
• You feel comfortable complaining about your spouse to her.
• You text each other frequently, using emojis.
• She takes your side over your spouse's.
• She lends you clothes from her closet.
• She gets you thoughtful presents.
• She's your biggest cheerleader.
• You're comfortable using profanity around each other.
• She's on speed dial and always answers your calls.
• She's your go-to shopping partner.
• You go to her for advice.
• Your spouse is slightly jealous of your relationship.

Maintaining the Friendship

Even if your marriage ends, it is possible to maintain a friendship with your mother-in-law. Set boundaries and avoid discussing your ex-partner. Focus on the things that brought you together, such as grandchildren, and continue to support each other through life's challenges.

Maintaining a respectful distance from your mother-in-law

Establish Boundaries:

It is important to set clear and firm boundaries with your mother-in-law. Communicate your expectations and let her know when she can and cannot come over. For example, you can implement a “call ahead” rule for all guests, including your mother-in-law, to ensure that any visits are convenient for you. This approach will help you avoid conflict and establish a sense of control over the situation.

Pick Your Battles:

Not every minor grievance is worth addressing. Learn to let the small things go and save your energy for more significant boundary violations. For instance, if your mother-in-law makes a harmless comment about your cooking, it might be best to simply thank her for the feedback and move on. Picking your battles will help maintain a more peaceful relationship.

Practice Acceptance:

It is unlikely that your mother-in-law will drastically change her behavior. While it is important to stick up for yourself and enforce your boundaries, you may need to accept that some things will not change. Many mothers-in-law offer unhelpful advice due to perfectionism or low self-esteem. Understanding her motivations can help you better navigate the situation.

Enforce Boundaries Calmly:

When your mother-in-law oversteps your boundaries, it is crucial to enforce them calmly and firmly. Stand up for yourself without resorting to shouting or disrespect. For example, if she asks about personal topics, politely but assertively let her know that you would rather not discuss those matters. Maintaining a calm tone will help prevent the situation from escalating.

Form a United Front with Your Spouse:

It is essential to work together with your spouse to handle your mother-in-law's behavior. Explain your feelings to your partner and make your needs for personal space and autonomy clear. Emphasize that you do not blame them for their mother's actions. By presenting a united front, you can effectively set boundaries and address issues together.

Avoid Financial Entanglements:

Staying out of each other's finances can prevent conflicts and power struggles. Avoid lending or borrowing money from your mother-in-law to maintain your independence and avoid giving her leverage over you. Financial entanglements can complicate your relationship and provide opportunities for her to exert authority.

Include Her in Your Life:

While maintaining a respectful distance is important, it is also beneficial to include your mother-in-law in your life in a controlled manner. Invite her to spend time with you and your spouse on neutral turf, such as a restaurant or park, to prevent her from overstaying her welcome. This approach allows you to spend time together without sacrificing your privacy.

Seek Support:

If you are struggling with your mother-in-law's behavior, seek support from your spouse, trusted friends, or a therapist. It can be helpful to have someone to talk to about the situation and to provide you with guidance and a different perspective. Remember, you don't have to go through this alone.

Frequently asked questions