Kara Sears
It is not uncommon to develop an attraction to a brother-in-law. However, if the attraction is causing you distress or affecting your relationship with your spouse, it is important to address it. Before taking any action, it is crucial to assess the situation and be honest about any boundaries that may have been crossed. Seeking professional counselling can provide valuable insight into the underlying reasons for the attraction and help you navigate your feelings in a safe and non-judgmental space.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Nature of the relationship | Married to the brother-in-law's brother for seven years |
| Feelings | Attracted to the brother-in-law, who is also married |
| Actions | Fantasizing about the brother-in-law |
| Thoughts | Confused about how to feel, feeling guilty |
| Social Interactions | Spend a lot of time together as families, go on vacations together, comfortable and open around the brother-in-law |
| Physical Appearance | Brother-in-law is very handsome |
| Personality Traits | Brother-in-law is outgoing and flirty by nature with everyone |
| Self-Presentation | Wanting to look good before seeing the brother-in-law |
| Emotional Response | Looking forward to being with the brother-in-law |
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What You'll Learn
I can't stop thinking about my brother-in-law
It is not uncommon to develop an attraction to a brother-in-law. If you find yourself thinking about your brother-in-law, it is important to first acknowledge that this is a normal occurrence and you are not alone in experiencing this.
That being said, it is crucial to respect the boundaries of your relationship with your brother-in-law and the people around you. If you are married, it is advisable to seek professional counseling to explore the underlying reasons for your attraction. This can help you understand your feelings and redirect them appropriately. During counseling, you can examine what might be missing in your life or current relationship, and identify any unacknowledged longings that you may not have addressed.
Before involving your spouse or your brother-in-law, it is important to be honest with yourself about any boundaries that may have been crossed. Ask yourself if you have said or done anything with your brother-in-law that you wouldn't do in the presence of your spouse. If not, it may be possible to manage your feelings on your own without causing unnecessary drama in the family. Most thoughts are passing thoughts that do not require much examination or accountability.
However, if you find yourself preoccupied with thoughts about your brother-in-law to the point where it is affecting your life and relationships, it is recommended to seek professional help. A counselor can provide guidance and support as you navigate these complex emotions.
Remember, it is normal to experience attractions, but it is important to handle them in a way that respects the boundaries of your relationships and the people involved.
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Should I tell my husband?
It is completely valid to have feelings and attractions, and it is also normal to wonder whether or not you should share these feelings with your husband. It is important to remember that you are not alone in this situation and that many people experience similar feelings.
Before you decide to tell your husband, it is crucial to be honest with yourself about any boundaries you may have crossed. Ask yourself if there is anything you have said or done with your brother-in-law that you wouldn't do in the presence of your husband. If you have not crossed any lines and feel that these are passing thoughts, it may be something you can work through on your own without causing unnecessary drama in the family.
However, if you find yourself constantly preoccupied with thoughts about your brother-in-law and are unable to redirect your feelings, it may be beneficial to seek professional counseling. Talking to a therapist can help you understand and make sense of your feelings before involving your husband. This self-reflection can help you identify any unacknowledged longings or needs that may be contributing to your attraction to your brother-in-law.
If you decide to talk to your husband, it is important to have a basic understanding of what you are experiencing and what he can expect from you going forward. Your husband can be a source of support, but it is crucial to protect your marriage and approach this situation carefully.
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Should I tell my brother-in-law?
It is important to consider the implications of your feelings for your brother-in-law and the potential consequences of sharing them. If you have not crossed any lines or taken any actions that would jeopardize your relationships, it may be best to work through these feelings privately without causing unnecessary drama. Most thoughts are passing and do not require much examination or accountability.
However, if your feelings are persistent and preoccupying, seeking professional counseling can help you understand and manage them effectively. Counseling provides a safe space to explore the underlying reasons for your attraction and identify any unacknowledged longings or needs that may be unmet in your life or current relationship. It can help you gain a basic understanding of your feelings and how to address them healthily.
If you decide to confide in your brother-in-law, it is essential to have a clear understanding of your feelings and how to navigate them moving forward. It is also worth considering how he might react and the potential impact on your relationship with him, your sister or brother, and the wider family dynamics.
Alternatively, you could consider sharing your feelings with a trusted friend or family member, like your mother, who can provide support and help you process your emotions. While it may be challenging to keep these feelings to yourself, prioritizing the stability of your family and your relationship with your sister or brother may be the wisest course of action.
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How do I redirect my thoughts?
It is completely normal to experience unwanted thoughts and feelings, and there are several strategies that can help you redirect your thoughts. These strategies are called grounding techniques, and they can be used to bring yourself back to the present moment and redirect your thoughts when experiencing unwanted thoughts.
Firstly, it is important to note that these strategies are meant to complement treatment, not replace it. They are also not intended to help you avoid a thought or feeling forever. Grounding simply allows you to delay processing an emotion until you are in a more practical time and place, such as when you are meeting with a therapist or a trusted peer.
- Mental distractions: Use mental distractions to help redirect your thoughts away from distressing feelings and back to the present. For example, look at a detailed photograph or picture for 5 to 10 seconds, then turn it face down and try to recreate the image in your mind.
- Cognitive awareness: Avoid flashbacks by focusing on the present. You can do this by asking yourself questions such as "Where am I?", "What day is it?", "How old am I?", and so on.
- Use your senses: Spend a few minutes taking in your surroundings and noting what you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. For example, you can say, "I'm sitting on a bench. The bench is red, and I can feel the warm sun on my skin."
- Numbers and math: Numbers can help center you. Try running through a times table in your head or choosing a number and thinking of different ways to make it using addition, subtraction, or multiplication.
- Physical exercise: The mental health benefits of physical exercise have been well documented. Try going for a walk, doing some yoga, or engaging in any other form of physical activity that you enjoy.
- Acceptance: Instead of trying to control or push away your thoughts, try accepting them without judgment. This can be done through mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep breathing.
Remember, it is important to find what works best for you, and it may take some time and practice to find the right techniques. If you are struggling to manage your thoughts and feelings on your own, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor.
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What do I do if I can't redirect my thoughts?
If you are preoccupied with thoughts about your brother-in-law and are unable to redirect them, it is recommended that you seek professional counselling. Counselling can help you explore why you are experiencing these feelings and redirect your thoughts. During counselling, you can examine what you may be missing in your life or in your relationship with your husband.
There are also some self-help strategies that you can use to try and redirect your thoughts. These include:
- Grounding exercises: Use mental distractions to help redirect your thoughts away from distressing feelings and back to the present moment. For example, look at a detailed photograph for 5 to 10 seconds, then turn it face down and try to recreate the image in your mind.
- Acceptance: Instead of trying to redirect or reframe your thoughts, try to accept that you are having these thoughts and continue on with your day.
- Laughter: Laughing can help alleviate feelings of stress and improve focus, decreasing space for anxious thoughts.
- Mindfulness: Try not to give unwanted thoughts any emotional attention, as this can make them more likely to get caught in your daily thought cycle.
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Frequently asked questions
If you are attracted to your brother-in-law, it is important to be honest about any lines you’ve crossed. If you have not crossed any lines, then it’s likely that this is something you can redirect on your own without having to cause unnecessary drama in the family. However, if you are preoccupied with these feelings and thoughts, it is recommended that you seek professional counseling.
If you decide to talk about this with your husband, it is important to first understand what's happening to you and what your husband can expect from you going forward. Your husband can be a source of support to make sure you don’t overdo it with vacations and time spent together.
If your brother-in-law is behaving inappropriately, you need to stand your ground. Be straight with him and tell him that he has made you feel uncomfortable. If you are gentle and he is dismissive, call out a few examples of his behaviour.
