Kara Sears
When a parent dies, it is a difficult time for the immediate family, and it can be challenging to navigate the situation as a sibling-in-law. It is important to be supportive and present for your sibling and their family, even if it is in silence. If you are unable to attend the funeral, sending flowers, a card, or a donation is appropriate. It is also important to understand the sibling inheritance laws, as it can be a complicated process, especially if there is no will.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Flowers | Appropriate, but some people may dislike the smell |
| Card | Appropriate |
| Donation | Appropriate, especially if a cause is listed in the obituary |
| Company | Can be comforting, even without words |
| Social Security survivors benefits | Applicable for children under 18 |
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What You'll Learn
Send flowers and a card
Flowers and cards are a thoughtful way to express your sympathy and show your brother-in-law that you care. They can also celebrate the life of the person who has passed away. It is important to note that some people may not appreciate receiving flowers, so consider your brother-in-law's personality and preferences. If you decide to send flowers, you can include a personalised card message to send your condolences and love.
When choosing flowers, you can consider their colour and meaning. Red flowers symbolise love and beauty and are typically given to the family of a lost loved one. White flowers are also popular as they represent respect, elegance, and sophistication. White lilies, in particular, are a good choice as they provide a rich fragrance. You could also add some colour to a white bouquet with light pink roses and a deep green leaf ribbon-lined vase. Blue flowers can also provide a feeling of calm, comfort, and faith.
Fresh cut flowers are a popular choice for sympathy bouquets as they give off a sweet aroma and show the family that you are there for them. Lilacs are a good option when mourning the death of a child or young person as they represent innocence, youth, and purity. Tulips symbolise hope and cheerfulness, which can brighten the mood and bring some light to a dark situation.
There are also different types of arrangements to choose from. Wreaths are often sent directly to the funeral home and can be placed next to the casket. A banner can be placed over a wreath to honour a relationship, for example, you could include "Father" inscribed on the wreath. Sympathy plants are another option, which can be sent to the home of your brother-in-law if they are having a small memorial or no service. Sympathy gift baskets are also a good choice and usually include fresh fruit, crackers, dried meats, and cheeses.
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Make a donation
Making a donation is a thoughtful way to show your support for your brother-in-law and the rest of the family. If the family has requested donations, they may have specified a charity or foundation in the name of the deceased, or a fund to help cover funeral costs. You can check the death notice or obituary to see if they have made such a request. If not, you can always reach out to your brother-in-law or another family member to discuss the cause they would like to support and the deceased's connection to it. However, it may be best to wait until after the funeral to have this conversation, as the family will be busy with the funeral arrangements.
If the family has not specified a cause, you can suggest making a donation to a local nonprofit, school, church, or community organization that your late father-in-law was involved with. You could also start a crowdfunding campaign on a platform like GoFundMe to help cover funeral expenses. This can be a meaningful way to honour your loved one's memory and ease the financial burden on the family. When asking for donations, it is important to be clear about how the funds will be used, such as covering cremation, embalming, or travel costs.
When making a donation, give whatever amount you feel comfortable with. The important thing is to show that you are thinking of your brother-in-law and the family during this difficult time. Your contribution, no matter the size, will be appreciated.
> Dear [Recipient],
> It is with a heavy heart that I inform you of the passing of my father-in-law on [date]. We are deeply saddened by his loss and are trying to arrange a funeral to honour his memory. However, the costs involved, including [specific expenses], have created a financial challenge for our family. To help cover these expenses, we have started a GoFundMe campaign. Any contribution, big or small, would be greatly appreciated and will ensure he receives the respectful service he deserves. Here is the link to the fundraiser: [URL]. Thank you for your support and kind words during this difficult time.
> Yours sincerely,
> [Your name]
Remember to include a personal message about your father-in-law and what made him unique to encourage people to donate.
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Offer practical help
When a loved one passes away, it can be challenging to know how to help your bereaved family members. Here are some ways to offer practical support to your brother-in-law after the death of his father:
- Assist with funeral arrangements: Planning a funeral can be overwhelming, so offer to help with the practical aspects. This could include researching funeral homes, comparing prices, and assisting with the selection of a coffin, burial plot, or cremation arrangements. Your brother-in-law may appreciate having someone to navigate these difficult decisions with.
- Take care of everyday tasks: Your brother-in-law may struggle to keep up with daily chores and responsibilities. Offer to help with tasks such as grocery shopping, cooking meals, doing laundry, or taking care of any pets.
- Handle administrative tasks: There are often numerous administrative tasks that need attention after a death, such as notifying relevant authorities, handling insurance or legal matters, and managing the deceased's finances or property. Offer to assist your brother-in-law in navigating these processes and completing any necessary paperwork.
- Provide transportation: Your brother-in-law may have appointments, meetings, or errands related to the death that require transportation. Offer to drive him to and from these engagements, or accompany him on public transportation if that is more suitable.
- Connect him with support services: Grief can be overwhelming, and your brother-in-law may benefit from professional support. Research bereavement counsellors or support groups in the area, and gently encourage him to seek help if he feels comfortable. Alternatively, suggest meeting with a religious leader if that aligns with his beliefs.
- Support with work or career: The grieving process can impact your brother-in-law's ability to work. Offer to help him communicate with his employer about taking time off or adjusting his workload temporarily. If he is job hunting, you could offer to review his resume or provide career counselling.
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Be present and listen
When your brother-in-law is grieving the death of his father, it is important to be present and listen. Here are some ways to do that:
Be Present
- Spend time with your brother-in-law. Your company, even without words, can be a great source of comfort.
- Offer practical help. Ask your brother-in-law if there is anything he needs and suggest specific things you can do, such as cooking a meal or doing his shopping.
- Maintain your support after the funeral. Knowing how to help someone who is grieving can make them feel supported and less alone.
Listen
- Let your brother-in-law know that you are there to listen. You could say something like, "I'm here for you" or "I may not know what to say, but I can listen."
- Acknowledge the situation. You could say something simple like, "I heard that your father died."
- Be open to whatever emotions your brother-in-law is experiencing. Let him know that however he feels is okay and that there is no "right" way to grieve.
- Share memories of your brother-in-law's father. This can be comforting and help your brother-in-law feel that his father's life is acknowledged and celebrated.
Remember, everyone grieves differently, and it is important to be sensitive to your brother-in-law's unique needs. Simply being there and listening can be a huge source of comfort and support during this difficult time.
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Avoid flowers
The death of a parent can be a difficult and confusing time, and it can be hard to know what to do or say to support your brother-in-law. While flowers are a common way to express sympathy, there are many other thoughtful alternatives that may be more helpful and meaningful. Here are some ideas for what to send your brother-in-law that avoid flowers:
Sympathy Gifts
A sympathy gift is a great way to express your condolences and show your support. These gifts are often focused on comfort and relaxation, as odds are your loved one is not thinking about self-care while grieving. You could put together a basket with items like a handwritten note, hot chocolate mix, face masks, a cozy blanket, and a calming candle. Alternatively, you could give a gift card for comfort food or a favourite restaurant, or for daily needs like groceries. If your brother-in-law is close with others in your community, you could also consider a group sympathy gift basket.
Acts of Service
Offering to help with practical tasks can be incredibly valuable for your brother-in-law during this difficult time. You could offer to run errands, walk their dog, or help with household tasks like cleaning. These acts of service can be especially meaningful as they take some of the burdens of daily life off your brother-in-law's shoulders, allowing them to focus on their grief and healing.
Time and Presence
Sometimes, the greatest gift you can give is your time and presence. Be available to listen and offer support without being asked. Simply sitting with your brother-in-law in silence or listening to them can be incredibly comforting. Your brother-in-law may not know what they need, so by being present and available, you can provide a sense of stability and care.
Written Memories and Photos
Written memories and photos can be a touching way to honour your brother-in-law's father and keep his memory alive. If you have any photos or mementos that you think your brother-in-law would appreciate, consider putting together a scrapbook or memory box. These tangible reminders of his father's life can be comforting and help him feel connected to his parent.
Avoid Alcohol
While it may be tempting to send a bottle of wine or liquor as a condolence gift, it's best to avoid alcohol during emotional times. Instead, consider bringing over a pitcher of homemade sweet tea or lemonade, or another non-alcoholic beverage.
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Frequently asked questions
It can be challenging to find the right words to offer comfort and support. Here are some examples of what you can say:
- "I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. Please know that I am here for you and ready to listen whenever you need to talk."
- "I can't begin to understand what you're going through, but I'm here to offer my support in any way that I can. Sending you strength and peace."
- "Your father's love and impact will continue to shine through you. I hope you find solace in knowing that he will always be with you in spirit. My deepest condolences."
Here are some thoughtful sympathy gift ideas:
- A journal and a nice pen to write down thoughts and feelings
- A sympathy gift basket or condolence flowers
- A memorial wind chime
- A necklace with their loved one's birthstone
- A photo collage of pictures with their father
- A personalized stationery set
It can be overwhelming for your brother-in-law to manage daily tasks while grieving. Here are some ways to help:
- Offer to help with their workload if they are a coworker
- Send them meals or an e-gift card for a meal delivery service
- Help with specific tasks such as walking their dog or running errands
It is important to let your brother-in-law know that you are there for them and offer a listening ear. Here are some ways to provide emotional support:
- Share heartfelt messages of support and respect their space
- Express your sympathy and offer specific ways to help, such as sending a meal or running errands
- Write a meaningful note with the gift, even if it is just to say, "I'm thinking about you"
