Mother-In-Law: A Recipe For Family Fights?

A mother-in-law can be a source of conflict in a marriage, and this conflict can be caused or exacerbated by a variety of factors, including differing parenting styles, controlling behaviours, and criticism. In some cases, the mother-in-law may be anxious or worried about losing time with her child and family dynamics changing, leading to controlling or opinionated behaviours. This can create a serious problem, causing discomfort within the family and even creating a rift between spouses. However, it is important to remember that conflict with a mother-in-law does not have to ruin a marriage and can be managed through open communication, boundary-setting, and seeking professional help if needed.

Controlling behaviours

A mother-in-law's controlling behaviours can manifest in various ways and are often rooted in her fears and insecurities about losing time with her child and family dynamics changing. Here are some examples of controlling behaviours exhibited by mothers-in-law and strategies to address them:

• Asserting unsolicited opinions: A mother-in-law may offer unsolicited opinions on a range of topics, including child-rearing, financial decisions, and the relationship between her child and their spouse. To address this, it is important to set clear boundaries and communicate directly with your mother-in-law, expressing your feelings and asserting your right to make decisions for your own family.
• Being critical or demeaning: Mothers-in-law sometimes engage in critical or demeaning behaviour towards their child's spouse, either through passive-aggressive or overt statements. It is essential to address this behaviour directly, firmly, and respectfully. Let her know that you will not tolerate being disrespected and that you expect her to treat you with kindness and consideration.
• Attempting to make decisions: In some cases, a mother-in-law may try to make decisions for her child's family, such as insisting on certain religious practices or interfering in child-rearing choices. It is crucial to establish and maintain boundaries, firmly asserting your autonomy as a married couple and your right to make decisions together.
• Negative influence: Sometimes, a mother-in-law may attempt to negatively influence the way her child views their spouse, creating unnecessary conflict and turmoil. It is important to recognise this behaviour and address it directly with your spouse and mother-in-law together. Emphasise the need for respect and mutual support within the family.
• Creating discomfort: A controlling mother-in-law may engage in behaviours that make her child's spouse feel excluded or uncomfortable, especially during family events or holidays. It is crucial to recognise your right to remove yourself from uncomfortable situations. Communicate your feelings to your spouse and work together to set boundaries that ensure your emotional well-being.

While dealing with a controlling mother-in-law can be challenging, it is important to remember that you have the right to set boundaries and maintain your autonomy within your marriage. Open communication, firm boundaries, and mutual respect are key to navigating these difficult dynamics and fostering a healthier relationship with your mother-in-law.

Interfering with child-rearing

Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law conflict often stems from a perception of criticism or undermining. This mutual unease may have less to do with actual attitudes and more to do with persistent female norms. In a study of hundreds of families over two decades, more than 60% of women said that their relationship with their mother-in-law caused them long-term unhappiness and stress.

Mothers-in-law are often used to being the "cruise directors" for the family unit, having an authoritative role and making all the caretaking and decision-making calls. This can create conflict when their child gets married and their new daughter-in-law has her own traditions and separate family influences. Mothers-in-law may also feel anxious or worried about losing time with their child and family dynamics changing, leading them to display controlling, opinionated, or inflexible behaviors.

When a couple has kids, the mother-in-law may have more opportunities to offer opinions and unsolicited advice, especially if she lives nearby. This can include asserting unsolicited opinions about their child-rearing tactics, being critical or demeaning to their child's spouse, being controlling or attempting to make decisions for their child's family, and creating unnecessary conflict and turmoil.

To address this, it's important to maintain boundaries and ensure that the mother-in-law "stays in her lane." It's helpful to remember that while you can't control your mother-in-law's behavior, you can control removing yourself from uncomfortable or disrespectful situations. If your mother-in-law is disrespectful or controlling, it may be necessary to limit her access to your children unless she's prepared to admit her faults and make significant changes.

• Communicate openly and express your feelings. Let her know that you appreciate her help and involvement, but also set clear boundaries and assert your position as the parent.
• Soften the message by acknowledging her good intentions. For example, say something like, "I know you're trying to help, but this is a sensitive issue, and we'd like to handle it ourselves."
• Be firm without accusing her of deliberately putting your child in danger. For example, explain that your doctor has advised specific safety measures that everyone needs to follow.
• Offer alternatives and compromises when possible. For example, involve her in activities like massaging, bathing, and putting the baby to sleep to make her feel valued and strengthen her bond with the child while respecting your parenting choices.
• If your mother-in-law lives close by, try to avoid an ugly confrontation by keeping quiet about special outings you want to enjoy alone. If your children spill the beans, explain that you've already made plans but would love to have her over for supper later in the week.
• If your mother-in-law continues to overstep boundaries, let her know how angry and upset you are. Be straightforward and honest, but also calm and respectful.
• If necessary, seek help from an experienced family therapist or counselor.

Disrespect and criticism

It is important to remember that a mother-in-law's criticism and disrespect are not reflections of your worth as a spouse or parent. Her behaviour may stem from anxiety or worry about losing time with her child and family dynamics changing. However, this does not excuse her actions.

To address this issue, it is crucial to communicate your feelings to your spouse and seek their support in setting firm boundaries with their mother. It may be helpful to remember that you cannot change your mother-in-law's behaviour, but you can control how you respond to it. Consider responding to her know-it-all comments by acknowledging her efforts in raising your spouse while also asserting your preferences. For example, you could say, "I really appreciate all you did to raise my spouse, but on this one, I prefer to do things my way."

If your mother-in-law is unwilling to respect your boundaries and make changes to her behaviour, it may be necessary to limit her access to your children. This can be a difficult decision, but their well-being should be a priority. Seeking help from a family therapist or counsellor is also an option, especially if your spouse is reluctant to confront their mother.

Remember, it is natural to butt heads with your mother-in-law from time to time, but with open communication, boundary-setting, and a willingness to understand each other, these conflicts can be resolved without causing long-term damage to your relationships.

Not respecting boundaries

A mother-in-law can cause fights by not respecting boundaries. This can manifest in various ways, such as interfering with child-rearing, making negative comments about their child's spouse, or attempting to control their child's family decisions. For example, a mother-in-law may offer unsolicited advice or opinions on child-rearing tactics, financial decisions, or other aspects of their child's life. This can create a sense of competition or jealousy, leading to conflict within the marriage.

Additionally, a mother-in-law who does not respect boundaries may try to maintain an authoritative role in the family, making it difficult for the new couple to establish their own traditions and family dynamics. This can lead to controlling behaviours and inflexibility, as the mother-in-law struggles to adapt to the changing family structure. In some cases, she may even speak disrespectfully or critically to her child's spouse in front of the family, causing embarrassment or tension.

To address this issue, it is crucial to maintain boundaries and communicate directly and respectfully. It is important to remember that the mother-in-law's behaviours may stem from her fears or insecurities about losing time with her child and adapting to new family dynamics. Open and honest conversations can help clarify expectations and establish mutually respectful boundaries.

One approach is to initiate a private conversation, expressing a desire for understanding and respect while calmly addressing the critical or argumentative behaviour. It may be helpful to involve the spouse, as a united front can send a clear message about the seriousness of the issue and the need for respectful boundaries. By working together, the couple can develop strategies to address the mother-in-law's behaviours and maintain a healthy relationship dynamic.

In some cases, it may be necessary to limit the mother-in-law's access to grandchildren if she continues to exhibit mean or disrespectful behaviours. This can be a difficult decision, but it underscores the importance of establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries for the well-being of the immediate family. Seeking support from a family therapist or counsellor can also provide valuable guidance and perspective in navigating these challenging dynamics.

Jealousy and competition

It is important to remember that the dynamic between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is often portrayed in a negative light, with the mother-in-law being the butt of many jokes. This stereotype can be harmful and lead to unfair assumptions about a mother-in-law's behaviour and intentions. In reality, many mothers-in-law are supportive and selfless, providing childcare, financial assistance, and emotional support to their children and grandchildren.

However, when jealousy and competition arise, it can cause tension and conflict within the family. A jealous mother-in-law may exhibit toxic traits such as interfering, manipulating, and criticising. She may disregard boundaries, show up unannounced, or make negative comments about her daughter-in-law's parenting skills or habits. In some cases, she may even try to turn her son against his partner or create differences between the couple.

To ease the tension and improve the relationship, it is important to have empathy for the mother-in-law and try to see things from her perspective. It can be helpful to remember that she has devoted time and effort into raising her child and may be struggling with the transition to a new family dynamic. Finding ways to include her and make her feel valued can be beneficial. For example, scheduling time to see her each week, asking for her advice, or having your partner call her to ask for a favour can help make her feel important and ease her jealousy.

Open communication is also key to resolving conflicts. It is important to express your feelings and address any issues directly, rather than keeping them bottled up. By having honest conversations, you can gain a better understanding of each other's perspectives and work together to improve the relationship.

Frequently asked questions